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March 29, 2004

Ooh, Baby I Love Your Way

When Sark is good, he's very, very good. But when he's with Lauren, he's just bad (and not bad as in good, just bad as in bad).

Case in point - David Anders' understated delivery of Sark's reaction to the Evil (But Hot) Black Terrorist Guy's assassination of the technogeek who just helped him decode the crystal-map:

Sark: [pause] [deadpan] That was extravagant.

I also liked when Sark told Lauren that she needed to KILL HER DADDY.

I think I know what is "wrong" with Alias this season - too much emotion, not enough action. And I don't mean "action" as in Sark and Lauren rutting like crazed weasels, ew! Ew! Ew! Ew!

I mean "action" as in kick-assedness. I don't want Sydney to be one-dimensional, but I also can't take her constant schmoopiness over Vaughn any more.

And speaking of Vaughn ... dude, you are the most emasculated man on television. You're such a girl.

Who didn't catch on that Lauren's Mom was evil within 5 seconds of her appearing on screen? Anyone? Hmm? Raise your hands. The only thing that would have been more obvious would have been to have the woman wearing a "Kiss Me, I'm Evil" t-shirt.

I think she's Irina's second sister. Which would be a FUN plot twist (one of the few so far this season), but would sadly make Sydney and Lauren cousins. Until we find out in the season's penultimate episode that Lauren was actually taken in by the Reeds after having been abandoned on the side of the road by a roving band of howler monkeys. You know you're in bad shape when even howler monkeys hate your crazy eyebrows and enormous fivehead.

Also, has any character ever asked the obvious question - why in the hell does Lauren speak with an accent? Did they do this and I just missed it? Because Daddy is 'Merican and Mommy speaks with a vaguely Southern accent, and even if Lauren the Abandoned Howler Monkey spent her formative years in Britain or Australia (or WHEREVER her accent is supposed to be from) I seriously don't think it would be so pronounced at this point.

Agent Weiss needs to get on top of this, stat!

Posted by Highwaygirl on March 29, 2004 07:07 AM to the category Entertainment

I can't believe you expend such energy on a show that's such an obvious rip-off of Little House on the Prairie. And let me tell you something, Sark is no Pa Wilder.

Posted by: overg at March 29, 2004 12:30 PM

There was no Pa Wilder, unless you're talking about ALMANZO, and I really hope you were not.

I did love Pa Ingalls, though. Michael Landon was swoonworthy.

Posted by: Highwaygirl at March 29, 2004 01:39 PM

This morning Rappy and I had this Alias-related conversation:

Rappy: she's a bitch of a mistress
HWG: she's a dirty, dirty whore!
Rappy: dude, did you catch sydney's bangs on Alias?
Rappy: First she had them
Rappy: then she didn't
Rappy: then she did
Rappy: then she didn't
HWG: yes, I was wondering if they were just swept to the side in certain shots
HWG: but they seem a little short to do that
HWG: but, the scenes were dark, so it's possible
Rappy: nope. I watched it twice. They weren't swept
Rappy: they weren't bangs
HWG: maybe you should write a letter
Rappy: note to self: do not read heewig's Alias commentary at the office.
Rappy: *giggle*
HWG: JJ needs you on staff as the continuity person
Rappy: I need your help
HWG: with?
Rappy: why don't I have any recollection of ever seeing that guy - the one killing people in the desert with A SUIT AND TIE on
HWG: I very vaguely remember that he was shown very briefly in some previous ep
HWG: but without the previouslies, I'd have no idea
HWG: and what's wrong with a suit and tie in the desert? I thought he looked quite dashing.
Rappy: that whole sequence, with the archeologists and that guy in the desert was perhaps the worse case of production value I'd seen in a long time.
HWG: maybe he watched Raiders of the Lost Ark and was channeling the British archaelogist that is trying to take the ark away from Indy
Rappy: and just a thought - why didn't syd and vaughn ride that tank of air all the way to the surface?
HWG: bad acting in the mommy/lauren/dead-daddy scenes, too
Rappy: and hello, did no one check for gun powder residue? I mean, it was absurd.
HWG: I've decided that the reason why Lauren speaks with an accent is because Melissa George isn't a good enough actress to pull off an accent that is anything but her own speaking voice
HWG: yes, AND, the coroner ruled it a suicide?
Rappy: right. Except for the fact that she's australian, not British.
HWG: that's a clueless coroner
HWG: considering daddy was shot in the head by someone standing over him while he knelt
HWG: it would be REALLY DIFFICULT to get that angle yourself
HWG: *lame*
HWG: *makes L sign with thumb and index finger, places it against Lauren's enormous fivehead*
Rappy: she's got the worst over bite I've ever seen.
HWG: Her accent is Braustralian
HWG: Or Australish
HWG: whatever, it sucks
HWG: now, David Anders on the other hand? FBRILLIANT.
Rappy: I know.
HWG: another reason to think Vaughn is a weenie
HWG: (as if you needed any more)
Rappy: that he went back?
HWG: he breaks up with his wife IN A RESTAURANT
Rappy: haha
HWG: in public
HWG: after she gave him a gift
HWG: true, the gift is evil
Rappy: well, I think the fixing of the watch sort of did that. I don't think he wanted it fixed.
HWG: it's still IN PUBLIC
HWG: because he is a WEENIE
Rappy: yeah
Rappy: well, that's indisputable.
HWG: the fixed watch, it is evil
Rappy: I cannot TAKE his not looking up bit. He's always got his head down in this docile angle of angst.
HWG: what gift did FauxFrancie give him? evil cufflinks?
HWG: an evil tie tack?
Rappy: a tack.
HWG: Here's something else I was thinking about
HWG: Michael Vartan needs to get the hell off this show
HWG: not *just* because I hate his character
HWG: but because this character is doing him no favors as an actor
HWG: I watched Never Been Kissed and couldn't believe it was the same actor
HWG: Because in NBK he shows actual range
HWG: whereas in Alias it's all angst, all the time
HWG: I can't imagine other casting directors watch Alias and think, "DAMN, I really need this guy in my show/movie/bedroom closet."
Rappy: seriously. He's not just dull and one dimensional, he's also annoying as shit.

Posted by: Highwaygirl at March 29, 2004 01:41 PM

I though the tank might have run out before they got to the surface or that it shot so quickly they couldn't hold on. Which doesn't make sense, because they hold onto all kinds of things faster than that. Um. Yeah.

And Sugar and Spice was on this weekend. And Lauren is one of the cheerleaders...with an American accent. A shitty one, but an American one nonetheless.

And rappy, I totally noticed the bangs thing too. I also wondered how stupid the coroner was. And the watch, it so is evil. It was doing the tick-tock of foreboding when Vaughn called Syd.

Posted by: Roo at March 29, 2004 03:53 PM

I agree with all but one thing: Francinator gave Vaughn a tie.

Posted by: Nikki at March 29, 2004 06:48 PM

Which when you think about it is really stupid. The odds that he'd wear the right tie at the right time aren't that great, whereas if she gave him a pin, he'd likely wear it with every tie.

I guess there's a reason Francie's dead. OR IS SHE?

Posted by: rappy at March 30, 2004 12:27 PM
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