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You know how I have that 101 in 1,001 list of things I want to do? Well I'm putting it on a brief hiatus, because the next thing - the absolute NEXT THING I am going to do - is not on that list.
It is time:
I am going to buy a gun.
I figure, why not? I live in Florida. The governor of my fine state just signed legislation that allows me to use deadly force, in public, in circumstances where I feel in imminent danger of great bodily harm.
(What I love about that story is the first sentence, and how Gov. Jeb Bush had a lobbyist from the N.R.A. standing right beside him as he signed the new law into effect. Bush doesn't even attempt to hide the lengths to which the gun lobby influences the laws in this state. That's pretty ballsy, Jeb!
Or, you're a clueless halfwit.)
Forget that my definitions of "imminent," "danger," and "great bodily harm" might be different than most. I'm taking this to mean that if some random person menaces me with a ... fork ... while I'm walking through the food court at the mall, then I have carte blanche to shoot them in the head.
I also have the state-sanctioned right to shoot someone in the head if I feel that YOU are in imminent danger of great bodily harm.
Two words: Vigilante. Justice.
*puts on spurs and cowboy hat*
I guess I can't blame Bush completely for this horrible law. It passed the Florida senate 39-0. Which just defies explanation as far as I'm concerned. Did no one think this law was a collosally bad idea?
I also want to get the opposite of a concealed weapons permit. I don't want to be legally allowed to hide my gun. I want to be able to wave my gun around with impunity. I want to be packin', and I want everyone to know it.
Look at me askance and no longer will you be getting a boot to the chest - you'll be getting hot! bullet! action! to the head.
I just don't know what flavor of gun I want. Do I want something small and girly, or do I want a big badass gun that I can point at people sideways like all the cool kids do?
I'm also going to need to perfect the ability to simultaneously point both a flashlight and my gun at someone, just like Mulder and Scully do.
Hey. I wonder if this means I can legally carry a flamethrower in public? Because that's always been my dream. Screw guns - no one is going to mess with an angry chick wielding a lit flamethrower.
Ok. If you must, you must. Please just keep these tips in mind: 1) always point the muzzle DOWN. I can't tell you how annoying it is to see all the faux TV cops running around with their guns pointed up. No, no, no! For you, I'd recommend the Glock 19. And thank you for showing the proper way to hold your handgun and flashlight. Also a pet peeve of mine that is constantly mis-represented in the media. Now, about the flamethrower thing. Surprisingly, or not, there are more regulations regarding those than handguns. So .. I'd say .. stick with the handgun option. Heh.
;-)
Posted by: TVJunkie at April 27, 2005 12:33 PMYou mention in this link a small gun.
I see two cannons myself...
Posted by: Phildozer at April 27, 2005 12:40 PMGet ein gun mit die Räder. (wheels) Ya can't conceal it though. Ya can't hold it in that cool sideway motion, either. People won't mess witcha.
And ya gotta say 'yo' either at the beginning or end o' all your sentences, yo.
Posted by: AuntieChrist at April 27, 2005 03:31 PM