Pimp My Ride

Today's going to be a really bad day, and let me tell you why: because last night I had one long national nightmare about alligators.

Not just any alligators, either. An alligator with a head as big as a Cadillac. "The biggest alligator I have ever seen!"

I even woke up in the middle of this nightmare to use the bathroom, and when I laid back down in bed and went back to sleep ... the nightmare picked up right where it left off. Clearly my subconscious hates me.

What happened was that I threw a pair of Nikes into the pond behind my apartment, and some time later I looked out my window and saw an alligator's snout bumping the shoes from underneath (they were floating). Then the alligator surfaced and I could see that ITS HEAD WAS AS BIG AS A CAR. And I was skeered.

So then I tried to find the phone number that you're supposed to call to report an alligator sighting - I have no idea if there is actually such a thing, but I was pretty adamant about its existence in my dream - and I was frustrated because I just could not find it.

Then a group of us were in a parking garage (!?) watching the alligator play with the shoes. Somehow the alligator transported 180 degrees to the other side of the garage, where there was another pond (by the way, none of this part of my dream is based in reality)(unlike the other part). And now it had two friends, who were also enormous but not quite as big as the Autogator.

So the people are all standing around with mouths agape, and I'm railing against the very existence of alligators and how they're against God's great design and they are clearly minions of Satan ... and then the three bastards start walking out of the pond up towards the garage. Everyone dives into their cars, except this one old woman who just stands there, ready to be alligator food.

Autogator comes up first, and this bitch is so goddamn big that I am on the verge of sobbing, I'm so scared. Then the other two compadré alligators come up and ... and ...

There are people inside of them. Which perplexes me, even in a dream state.

So I watch the alligators go by and after they've passed, I make this statement - "I want to know how people can be driving alligators and not know it." Because they were driving them like they were cars. The "hood" was the top half of the alligator's jaw, the roof of the car was the top of the alligator's head, and the "body" was the alligator's scaly body.

It was really weird, man.

That's where the alligator portion of the nightmare ended. Then, for some reason, I started dreaming about a three-legged American Eskimo dog named Puffy. My dad insisted it was our Puffy, but I helpfully pointed out that if it was, we were looking at a 30-year-old dog.

Posted by Highwaygirl on September 13, 2004 06:32 AM to the category Day In the Life