(I meant to post this Friday after work, but then I got ... distracted.)
George Carlin speaks the truth, including this luscious little offering:
Me: why did I get here early?
Jake: it's simple
Jake: you're stupid
Jake: like me
Jake: and the rest of us
Me: you have to cheer me up today by being even more bitter and cynical than usual
Me: my fish died yesterday
Me: and I am very sad
Jake: damn, that sucks
Me: I had him for 2.5 years
Jake: That sounds like a long lifespan for a fish
Jake: What happened?
Me: he was just really old, and he had a tumor for the last six months
Me: he lived about a year longer than expected
Jake: I take it it wasn't a goldfish then
Me: a betta fish. Otis Redding.
Me: honor his memory, dammit!
Jake: it's more than that
Jake: it's fucking retarded
Jake: with a cherry on top