Highwaygirl banner

October 31, 2004

The "L" Word

It's too bad you can't see me. Because I have the biggest, best combination of grin/smirk on my face right now. This weekend has truly been, to borrow a phrase from Rimbaud, a "derangement of all the senses."

So that's why I haven't been around. I'll be coming up for air soon, though. I'm about to give you a call, Roo, and I'll catch up with you later tonight, Teem. I never know where to find you, Rappy, so I guess I'll just give you the news tomorrow.

Thank you to everyone for your kind words about Otis. They are much appreciated.

*twirls*

Posted by Highwaygirl on 02:29 PM | Comments (0)

October 29, 2004

October 28, 2004

Goodbye, My Little Fishie

Otis died today.

Posted by Highwaygirl on 06:00 PM | Comments (7)

Burn Mothrafocker, Burn!

The Shiny Shirt, it is no more.

Yes, the Shiny Shirt of Increasing Horror is dead. I always said it needed to be burned, but in the end, it merely had all of its buttons popped off. In one quick motion - grab both ends of shirt tail and pull forcefully in opposite directions - years of potential embarrassment were averted.

Of course I did preface my act by asking him how much he liked the shirt ("It's okay"), and after ripping it off him I offered to sew all the buttons back on ... and then backtracked and said I would just buy him a new shirt, since I'm too lazy to sew.

The CIA questionnaire was right - I do have a future in clandestine operations.

Thank god the Red Sox won. I wonder how hung over Clover is today? In other randomness, I think I'm coming down with a touch of the flu.

Heh, ESPN is playing Tom Petty's "The Waiting" over World Series highlights. This song always reminds of the Simpsons episode where Homer buys a gun.

Posted by Highwaygirl on 06:58 AM | Comments (0)

October 27, 2004

It's Aliiiiiiiiiiiiive!

Try your hand at the Give Bush a Brain game!

Posted by Highwaygirl on 08:55 PM | Comments (0)

Troika

HWG: HELLO
Rappy: is soup some sort of euphemism?
HWG: I LOVE YOU
Rappy: I always spell that word wrong
HWG: why yes, it might be
HWG: a euphemism for ...
HWG: gettin' it ON
Rappy: I want to sing, but I don't know the words...
Rappy: roo is ignoring us!
HWG: she's so mean
HWG: this chat is laggy
HWG: sort of
Rappy: not really
HWG: well not now
HWG: but it was
HWG: wait, there it is again
ROO has entered the room.
HWG: but not then
Roo: we are chatting!?
HWG: Roo!
HWG: *skips merrily through the Clover*
HWG: hey
HWG: in all seriousness
HWG: I want to thank you both for your support
HWG: through these long, dark times
Roo: oh hush you self centered c@%t
Rappy: aw, *big group hug*
HWG: *hug*
Rappy: *squeeze*
Roo: hee. I got a hug even though I called you a self centered c@nt!
Rappy: *shocked face*
HWG: all my best friends call me that
Rappy: PRINCESS ROO! What kind of language is that?
Rappy: and you call yourself a church going girl
Rappy: *shocked*
Rappy: *and awed*
HWG: she used "fucking" as a modifier earlier
HWG: I was stunned into silence
Roo: hee.
Rappy: I believe the world has just shifted violently on its axis

Roo: it's funny that you guys think of me as the good girl
Roo: I mean, Julie called me after she brought Ian home because I "would understand"
HWG: hahahaha
HWG: yes, I did
HWG: you're my "slutty" friend
Rappy: wait, what?
HWG: I called Erika on The Morning After
HWG: I think she thought I was dying or something
HWG: to call her at 9:30 a.m. on a Sunday
Rappy: to say penance?
Rappy: do you say penance? *Jews*
HWG: but I must point out that her ass was in bed, not church
Rappy: or give?
Roo: well, you kind of "do" penance
Rappy: so calling you was just sort of gloating
Roo: yes, because I go to church on Sunday NIGHTS
Roo: so eat me
Roo: *wink*
Rappy: I think she was busy eating someone else
Rappy: EW.
Roo: *shocked face*
HWG: *shocked face*
Rappy: I can't believe I said that
HWG: DEAR GOD
Roo: I can't believe I said "eat me"
Rappy: HAHAHAHA
HWG: You two are disgusting
HWG: I am going to tell
HWG: er, someone
HWG: Tiffany!
HWG: I will tell Tiffany
Rappy: so, was she all gushy and stuff on the phone?
HWG: yes, how was I on the phone that morning?
HWG: you do realize that if I post a bit of this conversation, she won't be happy
Rappy: because she can't take part?
HWG: right, she'll give me angry yelling face
Roo: no...she said...
Roo: "I had to call you because I'm kind of freaked out"
Roo: "I did something I've never done before"
HWG: *shame face*
Roo: But I knew, since you are a two dollar whore, that you'd understand
Rappy: hahaha
HWG: hahahaha
Roo: despite the fact that I am a VIRGIN
Rappy: wait, what did she do? I feel out of the loop. I mean, I think I know what she *did*, but what was unusual about it?
HWG: I took Ian home
Rappy: when? On the day you met him?
HWG: mmhmm
Rappy: *shocked face*
HWG: well, the night after the day
HWG: technically it was the next day
Roo: oh god. I have a big mouth
HWG: because it was 3 a.m.
HWG: WHAT THE FUCK
Rappy: YOU'VE BEEN HOLDING OUT, BITCH!

HWG: the gloves, they are off
Rappy: what's going on?
Roo: geez...I was going to call you!
HWG: brb
Roo: oh for God's sake!
Roo: NO BRB!
Rappy: she is what one would call a cock tease, if you know, we had cocks
Roo: good point

Posted by Highwaygirl on 08:29 PM | Comments (0)

October 26, 2004

Cure My Disease

badpenny.jpg

Posted by Highwaygirl on 08:56 PM | Comments (0)

Sheep In Single File

Jake: I'm in quite the prankster mood this morning
Me: *hides*
Jake: Have any lotion I can leave on John's phone ear piece?
Me: I have a small bottle of pinot noir that you can break over someone's head, if you want
Jake: sweet
Me: although that's more "assault" than "prank"
Jake: I need some fishing line
Jake: do you have any bad smelling stuff?
Me: do I even want to ask?
Jake: french things?
Jake: i want to soil his office
Me: I'm a girl. we don't keep bad smelling stuff around.
Jake: hmm
Jake: allow me to rephrase.... "strong smelling perfume"
Me: I think you should use that big printer
Me: and print out something nice
Jake: hahaha
Me: something he could use for companionship
Jake: random printings throughout the day
Me: lifesize
Jake: HAHHAHA
Jake: hmm
Jake: I wonder how much it would cost to make a cardboard cutout of myself
Jake: put it in the corner of his office
Jake: that would terrify anyone
Jake: maybe just wearing a diaper?
Me: perfect
Me: and paint red lipstick on your lips
Me: and then smear it
Me: lots of black eyeliner
Jake: hahaha

Jake: in the words of karen carpenter... it's only just begun
Me: haaaaaaaaaahahahahaha
Me: this is going to be a fun day, I can tell
Jake: boredom drives a man to many things
Me: just don't try to play one of these pranks on me
Jake: don't worry
Me: because I will shank your ass as soon as look at you
Jake: hahaha
Jake: suck my shiv
Me: HAHAHAHA
Jake: hahahah
Me: that's a classic
Jake: and you say I never like your suggestions
Me: you like them, you just never TAKE them

Me: are you on my website right now?
Me: and don't lie to me if you are, because I have a site meter
Jake: yep
Me: okay, cool. I can see it's someone from work, but I wanted to figure out who.
Me: you're checking to see if I've posted your IMs
Jake: well, you told me you did, remember
Me: I might ... you've been funny today
Jake: I see no one commented
Jake: bastards
Jake: see, if I turned my web site into a blog thingy, it would just become one long winded rant filled with nothing but depressing bs
Jake: I'll spare the rest of the world


Jake: I cannot fucking wait for this election to be over with
Jake: I've about reached that dreaded point of accepting that Bush will win. Not "win" per se, but fix the thing with his crooked ways and no doubt lead us (or rather drag us kicking and screaming) into another 4 years of lies and deceit.
Jake: We're doomed
Jake: Maybe I should become a street preacher
Jake: Walk around unbathed and screaming about the apocolypse
Me: Sounds like your average weekend to me
Jake: hahahaha
Jake: hey I bathe!
Jake: occasionally
Jake: But in all seriousness, if I see one more fucking political commercial, I'm bound to snap
Jake: I'm sick of seeing all this shit on cnn.com
Jake: Where are my celebrity gossip stories?
Me: I'm sorry, I'm wallowing in my own sadness
Jake: sadness?
Me: well, not "wallowing"
Me: and not "sadness"
Jake: I can go get some percocet from home if you'd like
Me: I am accepting defeat, as it were
Jake: ehh... acceptance is for losers
Jake: do what I do, never back down
Jake: become a stalker if you have to
Me: meh
Jake: I'll let you borrow my binoculars if you'd like
Jake: Anything I can do to cheer you up, aside from dancing around and falling down on a pile of rocks again?
Jake: I need to let those wounds heal a little more
Me: HEY NOW
Jake: The bruise on my ass still has some yellow color left
Me: I wouldn't have laughed if I knew that was serious
Me: I thought you meant to do it
Jake: I'm sure a part of me did

Jake: I'm going to open a spa called THE SPARKLING PONY
Me: and I'm sure you'll be a pretty, pretty princess there
Jake: HEY now...
Jake: I'm a full blown QUEEN

Posted by Highwaygirl on 04:26 PM | Comments (148)

October 25, 2004

The Toes Knows

Any man who buys me a pedicure, well ... that's the man for me.

I thought we were going to Super Target. But no!! Instead, Clover took me to the hair salon that I frequent, because he had pre-booked appointments for me. His way of honoring my remission anniversary, and acknowledging that I've had a rough two months (even though he hasn't been the cause of any stress, for the most part).

So I ask him just what I'm getting done, and he said "I told them to book you for whatever you usually have done, plus the super-deluxe pedicure thing. They tried to sell me a one-hour massage, but I've got that covered myself."

*eyebrow*

So I ended up getting my highlights redone, and a haircut. My stylist, Kim, kept going on about how sweet it was when Clover came into the salon last weekend to set things up (she was there at the time and they conferred about what I might like).

The pedicure, by the way, was AWESOME. I could get addicted to those, if they weren't $65.

While I was having everything done, Clover went out to "run a few errands." He picked me up two hours later, then we drove back to my apartment. He pulled a big cooler out of his trunk, led me into my apartment, and directly out to my screened patio. Then he opened the cooler and started setting up for the "indoors, but kinda outdoors, bug-free picnic." He had even gone so far as to drive out to the Simple Gourmet to pick up some of the hummus that I'm addicted to.

*keeps*

His birthday was Sunday, and I gave him all of his many gifts. He was very happy about, and appreciative of, all of them. Heh.

Posted by Highwaygirl on 10:06 AM | Comments (4)

October 24, 2004

Sunshine After All

Eight years ago today, I was laying in a hospital bed, waiting to find out if my life was going to be mine again. I was having a lymph node in my chest removed and tested for residual Hodgkin's disease. A CT scan had shown that my lymph nodes were still swollen, which meant that they were either still filled with active cancer cells - despite six months of chemotherapy - or they were permanently enlarged due to scar tissue.

My oncologist told me he was 90% sure I still had active cancer, as he had never seen lymph nodes the size of mine that were just scar tissue. He told me that if the biopsy was positive for HD, that the surgeon would go ahead and implant an intraveneous line - which I would need for my last chance at health, a stem cell transplant - in my chest at the same time. It would take the place of the port that I already had implanted on the left side of my chest, that had been used for chemo.

I remember being in the pre-op room, tanked up on Versed, wondering if I was going to be able to handle a stem cell transplant. For one of the very few times during my treatment, I was scared. They wheeled me into the operating room, and my surgeon, Dr. Blumencrantz, went to work quickly. Before I realized it, I was out ...

... and then waking up again in the post-op area. Everything was a blur because I didn't have my contact lenses in, but I could make out people moving all around me. As soon as I shook off the anesthesia enough to have a rational thought, my right hand went up to the left side of my chest. I knew that if I felt a bandaged lump there, that the node was positive for cancer, Dr. Blumencrantz had implanted the IV line, and I was going to have a stem cell transplant.

My hand slowly moved to my chest and I felt ...

... nothing.

I pressed my hand against my chest, harder, and still didn't feel anything. I looked down, pulled out my hospital gown, and looked at my chest. The only thing I saw was the slight bulge of the port, and the familiar scar. No new incisions.

A female voice spoke gently in my ear - "You're going to be okay. It was just scar tissue."

Then, for the first time since I found out I had cancer, I cried. Because it was only then that I believed that I was, in fact, going to be okay. I was always aware of just how badly things could get, so I was intimately familiar with all of the unhappy statistics and bleak pictures that were often painted.

But I wanted to be okay. I did everything within my power to increase my chances of one day, maybe, being okay; beyond that, I just had to accept that despite my own hopes and wishes, things might not turn out that well for me.

I am extraordinarily lucky - I have been okay for eight years now. More than okay, really. Better than ever. If you gave me the chance to go back in time and not have cancer - in exchange for having a different life than the one I have now - I wouldn't take it.

I would not take it.

Every year, on October 24, I think about my life and how far I've come since this day in 1996. This is my day of reflection - not my birthday, not the holidays. Today. Because this is the day when I truly understood what it meant to Live. This is the day when I became very, very clear about what was and was not important to me.

Every year I have but one hope on this day - that, all things considered, I would choose the life I have today over the life I had one year ago. I've been thinking about it on and off all weekend, and I'm happy to say that yes, I would.

I've lost good friends this year, but I've gained new ones. I've acquired some bad habits (like excessive hummus consumption), but I've shed others that were far worse (like eating crappy food on a daily basis). I'm healthier, physically, in some ways, but less healthy in others. I've been through some very painful emotional experiences, but those have been offset by some truly wonderful ones (especially of late).

I still want to be who I am today.

My family and friends are all doing well. My cats are alive and in good health. I have a good job that pays well that lets me fund a happy personal life. My relationships with my family continue to be strong. My nephew is growing up to be a wonderful, thoughtful boy. I grow closer to my core group of friends every day. I've seen new places, and revisited old ones. I've walked, I've talked, I've seen shooting stars and wild animals and baby ducks grow into adults. I've laughed a lot, cried a lot, and most importantly, loved a lot.

But here's the best part - I have this feeling, unshakeable and inescapable, that the next 365 days are going to be even better.

Posted by Highwaygirl on 08:27 PM | Comments (3)

October 22, 2004

Getting My Irish Up

do_not_disturb.gif

(I do know that this entry title is deeply, deeply obnoxious ... but when Clover said it I couldn't stop laughing.)

Posted by Highwaygirl on 11:54 PM | Comments (1)

Girl Talk

(By the way, this entry is getting updated periodically at the end.)

HWG: I guess I should be more EXPLICIT on my site
Rappy: I think he lurves you, so what are you so afraid of?
HWG: I'm afraid that I'm not sure of a love there is no cure for
Rappy: heh
HWG: you asked for that
HWG: that was your fault
HWG: and it was LAME
Rappy: see, I didn't actually know the rest of the words. I just *tricked* you into giving them to me
HWG: sure. you've probably got David Cassidy posters hung up all over your apartment.
Rappy: totally do.
Rappy: You know I stowed them away in my suitcases.
Rappy: at the expense of cookbooks and such
HWG: I heard you bought a plane ticket for your lifesize cardboard cutout of David Cassidy
HWG: so he could fly in the cabin with you
Rappy: well, I needed someone to rest my head against. I've told you I can't sleep sitting up.

HWG: hehehe, I just read your comment on me site
HWG: I was close to making a reference to Teem, too
HWG: so it's funny that you did
Rappy: well, it's really inevitable
Rappy: because...
Rappy: SCREW Clover.
Rappy: You complete MEMEME
HWG: hahahahaha
Rappy: oh, girl, you know it's true
HWG: ooh ooh ooh
HWG: I LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUU
Rappy: hahahaha
Rappy: I KNEW IT!
HWG: my god, you're so into humiliating me today
Rappy: *suckerpunches an unexpecting Clover*
HWG: first the partridge family, then milli vanilli
Rappy: oh, you love it. Admit it.
HWG: you make me look like a gaywad!
HWG: who likes really bad music!
Rappy: acceptance is the first step, as you well know

HWG: I didn't ask what he meant. I was too freaked out.
HWG: he's pretty much asexual, to me
HWG: so I was all, WHAT IS THIS??!?!
Rappy: haha
Rappy: does he mean THE SEX?
Rappy: because I'm fairly certain we're well past THAT point
HWG: I think ... I can't be sure, but ... I think he meant a blowjob
HWG: which...
HWG: DUH
Rappy: I think I've been left speechless.
Rappy: what does he think you guys have been doing?
HWG: playing checkers, I guess
Rappy: Exchanging chaste kisses while looking for the chastity belt key?

HWG: *will leave that part in*
Rappy: no you will not!
HWG: the chastity belt part
HWG: not the other part
Rappy: haha
Rappy: ok
Rappy: good, because I'd have to refer you to my last comment on your site, otherwise
HWG: about it being all about teem?
Rappy: about caring what people think of me.
Rappy: obviously you didn't actually READ the comment
HWG: I would never post something that made you look bad
HWG: COME ON
Rappy: I'm having you on
Rappy: speak of the devil
HWG: speak of el diablo
HWG: HA!
Rappy: HAHA!

HWG: okay, roo had a tremendous idea
HWG: for what I should get Ian
HWG: a little stuffed shark!
Rappy: ?
HWG: since the movie where we met was Open Water
Rappy: oh! that's a great idea!
HWG: totally!
Rappy: roo am great

HWG: Teem and I had a whole conversation about this once
HWG: complete with ASCII art
Roo ASC?
HWG: drawing things with letters/numbers
HWG: =-O O==8
HWG: HAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Roo ewww!
Roo I've never done that!
HWG: really stupid stuff like that
HWG: it was FHYSTERICAL
HWG: I guess you had to be there
Roo HEE
HWG: *backs away slowly*
Roo why are you backing away?
Roo come baaaaaaaaack
HWG: I feel lecherous and perverted now!
HWG: *shame face*
Roo dude
Roo why?
HWG: because you "eww"d me

Roo: oh yeah
Roo: oh
Roo: oh
Roo: *sighs*
HWG: *dies laughing*
Roo: *lights Marlboro*
HWG: *says a hail mary*
HWG: because that's what *I* do afterwards
Roo: last time I got a facial and the girl was doing the extractions
Roo: and she said "there are a few blackheads and some oil pockets, but they are coming out easily"
Roo: and I think I literally felt it in my loins
Roo: loins
Roo: that's an odd word
Roo: do girls have loins?
Roo: or does loin = penis?
Roo: *ponders*
HWG: heeeeeeeeeeeehehehehe
Roo: you don't say a Hail Mary!
HWG: *giggles uncontrollably*
HWG: no, I sing "Ave Maria"!
HWG: "fruit of my loins"
HWG: yeah, I think loin = penis
HWG: Just like I've never used "groin" to refer to any part of my own body
Roo: yes...but somehow saying "fruit of my penis" doesn't sound the same
Roo: the word loins reminds me of Clan of the Cave Bear
HWG: but now that I think about it, what term would I use?
HWG: *fires up thesaurus.com*
HWG: loins
The region of the hips, groin, and lower abdomen; the reproductive organs.
HWG: there you go
HWG: dammit, this reads very funny
HWG: but out of respect for you, I will not post it
Roo: eh, you can
Roo: unless I sound like a big idiot
HWG: you don't! you sound very funny.

Teem: *angry yelling face*
HWG: *cowers*
Teem: I couldn't stay away
Teem: damn you and your blog entries
HWG: you just want to say something funny!
HWG: so I'll post it!
HWG: I know youuuuuuuuuuuu
Teem: I'm bored and you guys are having too much fun
HWG: *dances around you*
Teem: I was going to comment
Teem: but I didn't
HWG: you should have
HWG: why are you bored?
Teem: I was going to ask you what in the hell you were talking about with rappy and then I was going to call you an elitist self-absorbed... uh, woman!

Teem: oh, women have loins
Teem: I read about it in The Pirate Next Door
HWG: hahahahaha
HWG: The Pirate Next Door?
Teem: yes, it's a big important, award winning book
HWG: does it have pretty pictures?
Teem: of course not!
Teem: it's not a childrens' book!
HWG: of course not!
Teem: it's a book for matoooooore audiences
HWG: like those that draw X-rated things using letters and numbers?
HWG: those audiences?
Teem: I don't have any idea what you are talking about.

Teem: okay, I really have to pee
Teem: but in order to go pee, I have to close AIM
HWG: okay!
Teem: *crosses legs tightly*
HWG: I'm not going anywhere
HWG: and your bladder health is more important
Teem: the average human bladder can hold one cup of fluid
Teem: Thank you, Cranium!

Posted by Highwaygirl on 02:18 PM | Comments (0)

ME ME ME

A couple of weeks ago Roo and I were talking, and somehow the conversation came around to the fact that I really admire one quality of hers in particular - that she seems to be able to get along with anyone. Even if she (maybe) doesn't like them all that much, she's at least able to be friendly and inclusive when she is required to interact with them.

I admire this quality because it's something I find very hard to do; if I don't like you, I don't make much of an effort to hide it. I will be cordial to you in person and in public, but that's as far as I will go.

It's not that I think this quality of mine is a particularly positive one; there are many times when I don't think it's good (and yet an equal number of times when I'm glad I'm like this). In general, though, I just accept that this is who I am. What was funny about the conversation with Roo was that she said that sometimes she wished she were more like me in this area (i.e. someone who doesn't shy away from confrontation).

I started thinking about this conversation again late last week, when my dad and I had a discussion about whether or not there is such a thing as a truly selfless act. Neither he nor I believe that there is; we both believe that every action a person performs has, at its root, a basis in one's own feelings of self-worth and self-interest.

For example, when I go out of my way to do something for friend, it's not fundamentally because I know it helps my friend for me to do so. It's because it makes me feel good about myself to do it. Or it's because it's something I believe I should do, and not to do it would cause cognitive dissonance (much like the anxiety I feel when I behave in ways that I don't think are "in tune" with the person I believe myself to be).

This spun off into a conversation about self-worth and how people achieve it, and from what sources. I suspect that people fall into one of two categories - those who are predominantly internally motivated, and those who are predominantly externally motivated. People who are internally motivated derive their self-esteem from how they feel about themselves; someone who is externally motivated would derive it from how others feel about them. Everyone is, certainly, a blend of the two, but I think almost everyone falls solidly on one side of the fence or the other.

Me? Very internally motivated. I stopped caring what strangers think about me when I was about 13, and began a four-year swing of shaving my head and wearing all black, all the time. Stares, I've had a few. But no regrets. I don't recall doing it for attention, though; I was never that kind of kid. I just liked dressing that way, and I didn't particularly care what anyone else thought about it (outside of my own friends).

Side note - I give full credit to my parents for raising me to have confidence in myself; it is, without a doubt, one of the most important traits they passed along to me.

That attitude - that I don't particularly care about what other people think of me - has continued throughout my adult life. Overall, I'm glad it has. I do recognize the ways it might have "negatively" impacted my life, though. I have a small circle of very good friends, rather than a wide array of acquaintances, which means that I don't have an unlimited number of social outlets at my disposal. If I don't respect you, your opinion of me means nothing, so I'm not at all likely to doubt myself or change myself in response; but that doesn't mean that you might not have a point.

It's sort of the same way I feel about rejection (both on a romantic and platonic level). Do I find every person I meet attractive? No. So why would I expect everyone who meets me to be attracted to me? I've crushed on guys and not had it returned, which is, technically, a form of rejection. I just don't take it all that personally, because I remember the times when I didn't return crushes that certain guys have had on me.

So by the same measure, if I don't like everyone I meet, why would I care if not everyone who meets me likes me, either? As far as I'm concerned, it all evens out, and the people that can like you will like you.

So I was giving it some thought the other day as I was driving to meet my mom for lunch at Jason's Deli - who, exactly, are the people whose opinions of me I care about? It's a pretty small group as far as family goes - my parents, my stepdad, and my brother. As far as friends go, there's only ... *counts on fingers* ... five people whose opinions of my character are meaningful to me on a significant level. After that, there's probably 7-8 people (both friends and family) that I hope like and respect me, because I like and respect them, but if they don't it's not a revelation that will keep me awake at night.

(Heh, even though I won't fake it when I don't like someone, I will avoid directly naming names in certain cases, to avoid people being upset because they thought they should have made one of those lists, and didn't.)

So yeah, dislike me all you want, think I'm horrible, what.ev.er. If I don't respect you, I won't care. It's only when I let myself down - when my image of myself is shaken - that I really have issues.

I have this idea of who I am, and who I want to be, and when I fall short of that - even in ways that are completely normal and natural - I have a difficult time dealing with it. I'm my own worst enemy, in that sense. I don't care at all about what most people think - you can say anything negative you want to me, and it just really doesn't make any impression on me at all. But when I do something that shakes my confidence and belief in myself, I end up kicking myself in the head for days, if not weeks (just ask my friends!). It is those times when I'm wracked with self-doubt.

I'm not sure which type of motivation is better. It probably depends on your personality as a whole. I don't mind not having a ton of friends to do things with, and that's probably one of the reasons that I am so internally motivated. If it was important for me to have everyone like me - or be seen as someone whom everyone likes - I'd be out of luck, because that's just not going to happen. At the same time, my feelings of self-worth probably aren't as malleable as someone who ties their own value, in large part, to the opinions of the people around them.

But I still come back to that admirable quality in Roo, and how I wish I could learn to incorporate that quality into my own life. Even if only to make my own life easier.

Because it's all about ME ME ME.

Posted by Highwaygirl on 10:25 AM | Comments (4)

You Can't Look Away

The worst part about my site being down was that I couldn't share the bliss that is Jimmy Eat World's new CD, Futures. I drove to Circuit City on Tuesday during lunch in order to buy it ... and also picked up the JEW DVD (Believe In What You Want) for $10.

And, um, the Army of Darkness DVD also jumped into my hands and came home with me. But it was also just $10, so I didn't feel like I could refuse.

Anyway, I'm going to post my three favorite songs off of Futures. One is the title track (go vote, kids!), which has a great singalong chorus. "Work" is one of the more power-pop songs on the CD, and "Nothingwrong" is harder (and I love the churning guitar bit at the beginning). I listen to those last two tracks on repeat all day long at work.





Jimmy Eat World, "Futures"

I always believed in futures
I hope for better in November
Try the same booth, same lucky numbers
It could be a cold night
For a lifetime
Hey now
You can't keep saying endlessly
My darling
How long until this effects me?

Say hello to good times
Trade up for the fast ride
We close our eyes while the nickel and dime
Take the streets
Completely

I always could count on futures
If things would look up
They'd look up
Why, so hard to find a balance
Between living decent
And the cold and real
Hey now
What is it you think you see?
My darling
Now's the time to disagree

Say hello to good times
Trade up for the fast ride
We close our eyes while the nickel and dime
Take the streets
Completely

Hey now
The past is told by those who win
My darling
What matters is what hasn't been
Hey now
We're wide awake and we're thinking
My darling
Believe your votes can mean something

Say hello to good times
Trade up for the fast ride
We close our eyes while the nickel and dime
Take the streets
Completely

Jimmy Eat World, "Work"

If you only once would let me
Only just one time
Then be happy with the consequence
With whatever's gonna happen tonight
Don't think we're not serious
When's it ever not?
The love we make is give and it's take
A game to play along

All I can say
I shouldn't say
Can we take a ride?
Get out of this place
While we still have time

All the best DJs are saving
The slowest song for last
When the dance is through
It's me and you
Come on would it really be so bad
The things we think might be the same
But I won't fight for more
It's just not me to wear it on my sleeve
Count on that for sure

All I can say
I shouldn't say
Can we take a ride?
Get out of this place
While we still have time
You wanna take a ride?
Get out of this place
While we still have time
We still have time

Can't say I was never wrong
But some blame rests on you
Work and play they're never okay
To mix the way we do

All I can say
I shouldn't say
Can we take a ride?
Get out of this place
While we still have time
You wanna take a ride?
Get out of this place
While we still have time
We still have time

Jimmy Eat World, "Nothingwrong"

Hold them down, our bleeding suspects
Just because
Just 'cause
Just who are you?
By candle light, burn burn burn, baby
Burn, burn, whose turn
Who gets a taste today?

We've done nothing wrong
But we've done nothing
We can't look away
But we're just looking
It's second nature to say
We've done nothing wrong

Turn them off, all blacklist singers
Don't ask why
Don't cry
Don't make a scene
A 45 spin spin spin, give in
Spin spin, who wins
Who's not afraid to play?

We've done nothing wrong
But we've done nothing
We can't look away
But we're just looking
It's second nature to say
We've done nothing but

Nothing but take what's handed down
Said nothing
But words approved to shout
We wanna know
That we own the cake we're eating
Spit it out

Hold them down (burn, burn)
Hold them down, all bleeding suspects
Turn them off (turn, turn)
Turn them off, all blacklist singers

We've done nothing wrong
But we've done nothing
We can't look away
But we're just looking
It's second nature to say
We've done nothing wrong

Posted by Highwaygirl on 06:55 AM | Comments (0)

October 21, 2004

Man 1, Bank 0

I'm going to post entry after entry in order to fix the spacing on the site. Three days with no posting makes Highwaygirl.com something something.

Rappy decided to talk to me today. She's been shunning me since she moved to Israel. I guess she's all caught up in slutting out with hot Israeli men, just like she promised to do. Rappy? Is my idol.

By the way, this stuff? Is of the lrod.

Here's the proof that Rappy actually deigned to speak to me today:

HWG: this story never ends
Rappy: yes it goes on and on my friend
Rappy: some people started telling it not knowing what it was
Rappy: and they'll continue telling it forever just because
Rappy: this is a story that never ends...
Rappy: good god. This guy may need to look up the word parsimony
HWG: this guy needs an EDITOR
HWG: he should marry Assi
Rappy: hahaha
Rappy: I think I might have just fallen asleep.
Rappy: I don't recall the story being this long last time I read it.
HWG: oh my god, that story was so long that by the end I didn't care what happened
HWG: I just wanted it to be over
Rappy: hahaha
Rappy: I'm hesitant to say, but...
Rappy: word
HWG: guh
HWG: I have a headache now, too
HWG: I will now call GoDaddy
Rappy: *cheers*
Rappy: although I doubt that'll do anything to alleviate your headache
HWG: my estimated wait time is 14 minutes
Rappy: well, I'd imagine they have more than one unhappy customer
HWG: hahahahaha
HWG: Ian sent me a photo
HWG: he's slightly drunk
Rappy: oh?
HWG: *snort*
Rappy: send me!
HWG: hold on, he asked me to crop the other people out of it
HWG: except his best friend
Rappy: dude, I'm not going to post it
Rappy: plus I need to check out his friends
HWG: yeah, I know. but he asked me to.
Rappy: since Roo just claimed Kieran
HWG: okay, gmail?
Rappy: yep
HWG: done
Rappy: dude, you should be paying *me* to read your endless fucking story.
Rappy: jesus.
HWG: GOD DAMMIT
HWG: I was off hold, now I'm ON hold again
Rappy: yowaz. he's even hotter drubnk.
HWG: that's how he normally looks for the most part
HWG: a little less sleepy-eyed
HWG: I think Sam's full name is something like Samaramathan
HWG: or something like that
HWG: Samari?
HWG: something
Rappy: try to say that a few times while drubnk
HWG: death is an option
Rappy: for godaddy, or Patrick Combs?
HWG: both
HWG: OFF HOLD
HWG: and this guy is way too enthusiastic
Rappy: haha
Rappy: make him kiss!
Rappy: your!
Rappy: ass!
HWG: well first he says, "did you reinstall MT again?"
HWG: and I'm like, noooooooooooo
HWG: I didn't do anything
HWG: this is YOUR FAULT
HWG: okay, they apparently wanted clarification on whether or not I had installed MT again
HWG: but they never, you know, contacted me to ask
HWG: so now that they know THAT, they're looking into it again
Rappy: oh, good god. it's not enough people have to read this shit, but he wants me to pay him to watch him tell?
Rappy: whatever.
HWG: he's not cute enough for me to pay to watch him speak
Rappy: did you tell them that I'm having the same problem?
HWG: I told him I knew 4-5 other people in the same boat
HWG: *overdramatizes for effect*
Rappy: haha
Rappy: these people aren't too bright. I think one of the first things they teach in tech support school is "it's their fault, not ours"
HWG: okay, I just noticed that Ian's shirt is SHINY
HWG: I'm going to hope that's an effect of the flash
Rappy: haha
Rappy: dude, you could always reform him
HWG: I could rip that shirt off him and burn it
Rappy: damn, that *is* shiny
HWG: it's BLINDING now that I've noticed it
Rappy: that's not of the good

Posted by Highwaygirl on 07:38 PM | Comments (1)

The Bitch Is Back

Thank you, web host who shall not be named, for once again restoring support for the Berkeley database type that my site uses. Without you I am nothing.

(Jerks.)

*smirk*

Posted by Highwaygirl on 04:52 PM | Comments (0)

October 18, 2004

The Questions Run Too Deep

The lyrics of this song have always fascinated me. They're written almost like prose. There's got to be some grander meaning to the lyrics - is it a statement about conformity? Is it a diatribe against the oppressive nature of man? - but I don't know what it is.

Supertramp, "The Logical Song"

When I was young, it seemed that life was so wonderful
A miracle, oh it was beautiful, magical
And all the birds in the trees, well they'd be singing so happily
Joyfully, playfully watching me
But then they send me away to teach me how to be sensible
Logical, oh responsible, practical.
And they showed me a world where I could be so dependable
Clinical, oh intellectual, cynical

There are times when all the world's asleep
The questions run too deep
For such a simple man
Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned
I know it sounds absurd
But please tell me who I am

Now watch what you say or they'll be calling you a radical
A liberal, oh fanatical, criminal
Won't you sign up your name, we'd like to feel you're
Acceptable, respectable, oh presentable, a vegtable

But at night, when all the world's asleep
The questions run so deep
For such a simple man
Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned
I know it sounds absurd
But please tell me who I am

Posted by Highwaygirl on 06:39 AM | Comments (1)

Oooh, Dreamweaver

My new bed is cursed. Comfortable, but cursed.

When they unwrapped it, I could vaguely smell the protective coating that is sprayed on the mattress top. It smelled kind of glue-ish, but I figured that if I let the bed air out the rest of the day that it should be fine.

Well, I was wrong. Last night I had one of the most disturbing dreams ever - my cockatiel, Nibbles, was in two parts. She had been, uh, bisected horizontally, and the bottom half of her moved independently of the top half. Yet both halves had legs. She had also plucked out all of her feathers, except the ones on her head.

The dream me was absolutely horrified, and when I woke up I felt nauseated. I blame the hallucinogenic protective spray. Or Satan.

Posted by Highwaygirl on 06:24 AM | Comments (0)

October 17, 2004

After This There's Just the Circus

I hate goodbyes.

I finally finished organizing all of my mp3s (alphabetically - I wimped out on the whole 'categorize by genre' thing), and when I was copying files over from CDs I found this song. I don't care what Rappy says, I like the Matthew Good Band.

Matthew Good Band, "Running for Home"

They beam things into your head
The ghosts of your pleasure and contempt
When we were liars things were seamless
When we were wired the world was like a secret
I close my eyes now and I scream
I turn the light on
And there's nothing left redeeming
I saw your face before it changed
The gun it makes you look nicer in a bad way

So low for how high?
It's too late tonight
And I'm sure you're right
So low for how high?

And after this there's just the circus
And every morning you carney heart stops workin'
It gets tight in there sometimes
Looking for those defects, talking like it's a reflex
I close my mouth now and I scream
I open the door
And there's nothing left redeeming
I saw your face before in rough
You should wait around awhile
'Cause your body's bound to turn up

So low for how high?
It's too late tonight
And I'm sure you're right
So low for how high?

Posted by Highwaygirl on 09:18 PM | Comments (0)

Otie, Otie, Otie

It is bed delivery day! Sometime between the hours of 12 and 4 p.m., Rooms To Go will be delivering a brand new queen size pillow top mattress and boxspring. Finally, I have graduated to adulthood.

I bought these sheets in Green (they're more of a blue green) yesterday. Also bought this dust ruffle. I was going to pick up a mattress pad, but the ones that felt nice (i.e. not stiff or scratchy) were $60. That seems like a little too much for a mattress pad. Must check out Target.

Yesterday was a blur - shopping, reconfiguring a new computer, cleaning, hanging out, and watching a ton of Futurama episodes on TiVo. Today promises four loads of laundry (ugh) and a trip to the airport (double ugh). I need to work in time to do the online driver's safety course (stupid speeding ticket) but I don't think I want to waste any time on that today. The weather this weekend has been gorgeous, so I think after the bed gets delivered we're going to go out and do some exploring.

One upsetting thing, though - I think my betta fish, Otis Redding, is not long for this world. He's had a tumor-type thing on his back since May, which had become fairly large and then started wrapping around to the other side of his fin about a month ago. I noticed yesterday morning that he was hiding in his aquarium decoration, and when I coaxed him out I saw that the original tumor had sort of "ruptured" - it doesn't look like it's an open sore, but it's definitely breaking apart and falling off. Which sounds like it might be a good thing, but I don't think so. Especially because he's hiding a lot and hanging out on the bottom of his tank. He's still eating, which is good, but ... I think the end might be near.

I never expected him to live another five months when the tumor first appeared, so I know that any more time he has is a bonus. But I will miss the little guy regardless.

Posted by Highwaygirl on 11:39 AM | Comments (0)

October 16, 2004

You Will Surrender

I am already in love with this Franz Ferdinand CD, which means I will be purchasing it on Tuesday (along with the new Jimmy Eat World CD and a flash drive). This song has bonus German lyrics at the end, just for Teem. Unfortunately I don't know what they mean (other than the obvious, "Fantastisch").

I've been bopping around my apartment this morning singing this song in a faux lounge lizard voice. It has proved amusing.

Franz Ferdinand, "Darts of Pleasure"

You are the latest contender
You are the one to remember
You are the villain who sends a
Line of dark fantastic passion
I know that you will surrender
I know that you will surrender
And I want this fantastic passion
We'll have fantastic passion

You can feel my lips undress your eyes
Undress your eyes undress your eyes
Words of love and words so leisured
Words are poisoned darts of pleasure
Die, and so you die.

You are the latest adventurer
You're an emotion avenger
You are the devil that sells a
line of dark fantastic passion
I know that you will surrender
I know that you will surrender
And I want this fantastic passion
We'll have fantastic passion

You can feel my lips undress your eyes
Undress your eyes undress your eyes
Skin can feel my lips they tingle tense anticipation
This one is an easy one, feel the word and melt upon it
Words of love and words so leisured
Words are poisoned darts of pleasure
Die, and so you die.

Ich heisse Super Fantastisch
Ich trinke Schampus mit Lachsfisch
Ich heisse Super Fantastisch. (x3)

Posted by Highwaygirl on 11:02 AM | Comments (3)

October 15, 2004

Kangaroos Will Rule the World

LISTENING – Jake burned a copy of his Franz Ferdinand CD for me, which I am now hearing for the first time. Yes, I'm very late to this party, but I do blame Jake. Because blaming Jake is my new tradition. Come and dance with me, Michael...

LOOKING – At the scratch on the back of my hand. Because Roo was right with her guess about the special delivery.

READING – Something shamelessly stolen from MsKick's journal: Physics Professor Goes on Rage in Class.

LAFAYETTE, La. - A University of Louisiana at Lafayette physics professor was banned from the campus Wednesday and taken to the coroner's office for evaluation after threatening his class, university officials said.

Student Kacie Spears said professor Louis Houston lost control right after class began Wednesday morning and was yelling obscenities.

"Then he told us if we got out of our seats he's gonna kill us. He went on the black board and wrote "911 now", so we were really in fear for our lives," Spears told KATC-TV.

Spears said Houston slapped a student and then told his class he was God.

LAUGHING – It's Friday afternoon. That's our only excuse. By the way, yes, Jake is in fact insane:

Jake: oh yeah... did you watch america's next top bulimic?
Jake: hahaha the drama was classic
Me: HAHAHAHA
Me: yes I did
Me: I wanted Jennipherrrrrrrrrrrrr to hit Eva and/or Anne
Jake: i seriously cannot WAIT for amanda to get kicked off
Me: the annie lennox looking chick?
Me: I'm having trouble with their names
Jake: yeah
Jake: the fucking one that whines about being blind all the time
Jake: STABBIC
Jake: my hatred is immense
Me: I like the fake red-hair chick
Me: nicole?
Jake: yeah she's good
Jake: oh and i loathe the girl that is obsessed with paris hilton
Jake: The one that had braces
Me: Norelle
Me: she likes to shake her boobs
Me: *rolls eyes*
Jake: they all must die
Jake: Yes, it must happen
Jake: DO IT NOW
Jake: STTTTTABBIC!!!
Jake: ** plays REE REEE REEE stabbing music from Psycho in head **
Jake: ** blood of evil anorexic model wannabe whores swirls down the drain **
Jake: GIGGLES
Me: *shocked face*
Jake: REE
Jake: hahaha
Me: REE! REE! REE!
Jake: http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/2311/stone.html
Jake: "As everyone in the world knows, a midget should not be underestimated."
Me: haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahaha
Jake: "And that famous warning, "Don't f@#k with a midget" was born."
Jake: hahahahahahahahaha
Jake: I found it by doing a search for "tap dancing midgets"
Me: you are an odd duck
Me: *quack*

Jake: christ we have like 2.5 hours left
Jake: it would be so easy to just tumble out of this window
Jake: my luck i would only break a leg
Jake: have to crawl back in and up the stairs
Jake: oh FUCK
Jake: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
Jake: i just got that damn boy george song in my head
Jake: ILL TUMBLE FOR YAH
Jake: jesus fucking FUCK
Jake: DEATH
Jake: DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAATH EEEEEAAAA
Jake: if I didn't want to kill myself before, I certainly want to eat a bullet now

Jake: Have you ever tried to count the dot impressions on a ceiling tile before?
Jake: There are a lot of 'em
Jake: Thousands
Jake: **Sigh**
Jake: Nothing beats staring up the ceiling and counting the specs
Jake: one thousand four hundred twenty seven
Jake: one thousand four hundred twenty eight
Jake: Problem is, some of 'em are bigger than others. And to top off the nastiness, some of those bastards have grown too close for comfort
Jake: So... do you count them as ONE dot?
Jake: Or simply two dots against each other
Jake: DECISIONS DECISIONS
Me: HAHAHAHA
Me: This is like a spoken word performance
Me: on planet Bitter Omicron 5
Jake: Sometimes I like to just make funny shapes out of them
Jake: Like looking for animals in the clouds
Jake: OOOOH OOHH there goes a giraffe
Jake: Now I'm curious what sound a giraffe makes
Jake: MEEEEAAAAHHH MEEAAAH?
Jake: no no, that's too much like a donkey's heehaw
Me: The giraffe says, "KILL ME NOWWWW"

Jake: Sometimes I wish I had a pet kangaroo, so I could just nestle up in the fetal position inside it's fleshy pouch
Jake: it brings new meaning to "nap sack"
Jake: I wonder if it's fur inside?
Jake: Is it fleshy?
Jake: I could probably research it online but I'm too lazy
Me: I think I will find you a photo
Jake: Plus i'm too busy trying to find those tap dancing midget photos I told you about
Jake: THEY'RE OUT THERE
Jake: believe you me
Jake: a midget can tap dance
Jake: HAHAHAH GENIUS
Jake: victory
Jake: http://delivery.gettyimages.com/comp/hq5936-001.jpg?x=x&dasite=gettyimages&ef=2&ev=1&dareq=E01FA9654DDBAC7FF6316E0F95CABF8394D2604A015CF9DF
Jake: OOH TWO FOR ONE
Jake: http://delivery.gettyimages.com/comp/je6331-001.jpg?x=x&dasite=gettyimages&ef=2&ev=1&dareq=8BC8AB09C62FCF1D03913CBB7EE2732B94D2604A015CF9DF
Jake: midget AND a kangaroo
Me: I really, really think you've lost your grip on sanity, Jake
Jake: What sick fuck gives a little person a pair of boxing gloves and puts him in the ring with a kangaroo?
Jake: Seriously WHAT THE FUCK
Jake: I just wanna know where I can get tickets

Jake: http://delivery.gettyimages.com/comp/hb1745-001.jpg?x=x&dasite=gettyimages&ef=2&ev=1&dareq=2FAE6168F24C4B13AAB7C82AE94416EA94D2604A015CF9DF
Jake: Poor midgets
Jake: All they want is the ball
Me: hahahahaha
Jake: I'll betcha that right after the camera flashed, they attacked the tall guy by the knees
Me: dammit, I feel like I'm going to go to hell for laughing at that
Jake: Tore into him like ravenous beasts
Jake: DONT FUCK WITH A MIDGET
Me: stubble on their sticky lips
Jake: hahahah
Me: *squicked*
Me: I just grossed myself out
Jake: hahahaha
Me: http://www.kidcyber.com.au/topics/kanga.htm
Me: TEATS
Me: jesus, attached to the teat for nine months
Me: that would suck
Me: literally
Jake: hahahahahahahahaahaha
Jake: teats
Jake: a most excellent word
Jake: Did you know? A female kangaroo often has another baby in her womb 'in suspense', which means it has developed just a little bit and then stopped and waited. When a joey leaves the pouch, the mother starts its development again and it is born a few weeks after. If conditions are bad, such as times of drought when there is not much food around, the female kangaroo may wait until things improve before letting this baby develop. It is born a few weeks later and crawls into her pouch. This means that there are few kangaroos born during a drought and ensures that there is food for the existing kangaroos. The babies are born when the mothers are feeding well and producing good milk, and so that when the young start to feed on solid food, there is plenty for them too.
Jake: That's fucking genius!!!
Jake: kangaroos will rule the world
Me: They will bring forth their dominion from their fertile wombs only to gestate further in their furry pouches, until one day, when mankind is least expecting it ...
Me: and then ...
Me: CHAOS AND DESTRUCTION
Jake: I'm looking forward to it

Posted by Highwaygirl on 04:10 PM | Comments (1)

Object Impermanence

I keep having this recurring ... well, not a dream, really, more like a thought: I keep thinking that if I look up an old friend, I'll find out that they've died.

There are a handful of people - Jason C, Ryan, Lee, Jason P, Jeremy, Steve, Heather, Josh - that I'd be interested in reconnecting with, just to find out how they're doing. But as soon as I think about tracking them down, I start to worry that I'll be told that they're dead. I'll either run across something online that says they're dead (like a memorial of some sort), or I'll call the last phone number I have for them and the person answering will tell me they're dead. I don't want to know that they've died, so I don't make any effort to locate them.

It's very morbid, I know. But I can't shake the feeling, which is strange because it's never actually happened to me. So it's ultimately a whole wasted exercise that keeps me from taking the necessary steps for reconnecting with these people. Which is really dumb. But I guess the lesson for my friends is, if we ever grow apart, I won't be trying to look you up years later for fear that you've died during the intervening time.

So you should come find me.

Posted by Highwaygirl on 12:45 PM | Comments (0)

October 14, 2004

Special Delivery

Alrighty, I received this cryptic email from Clover and I'm not quite sure what it means. Interpretations - realistic or otherwise - are welcome.

I'm sending you something tonight, which you can take delivery of sometime before 9:30 p.m. It's direct from Boston, and I think you'll like it.

I'm thinking it's a fistful of teabags. Or baked beans. It's not him, as Roo suggested, because he has a meeting tomorrow morning. Fed Ex delivers that late, I think. I just have no idea what things are synonymous with Boston.

Posted by Highwaygirl on 02:37 PM | Comments (5)

Deconstruction and Derrida

Prepare to have your mind blown. Well, if you enjoy philosophy.

Clover turned me on to this French philosopher named Jacques Derrida, who died last week. As it turns out, Derrida espoused the same sorts of beliefs as Nietzsche, which is probably why I took to him so quickly. I haven't had time to read much of his writings, though, but then I stumbled across this excellent tribute and decided that I have to make it a priority.

I really, really "get" his theory of deconstruction, and I can see it so clearly in play in my own life. Creation through exclusion - amazing. Anyway, here are a few excerpts from the tribute that have inspired me to read more about the man and his theories:


The guiding insight of deconstruction is that every structure - be it literary, psychological, social, economic, political or religious - that organizes our experience is constituted and maintained through acts of exclusion. In the process of creating something, something else inevitably gets left out.

These exclusive structures can become repressive - and that repression comes with consequences. In a manner reminiscent of Freud, Mr. Derrida insists that what is repressed does not disappear but always returns to unsettle every construction, no matter how secure it seems.

Like Kant, Kierkegaard and Nietzsche, Mr. Derrida does argue that transparent truth and absolute values elude our grasp. This does not mean, however, that we must forsake the cognitive categories and moral principles without which we cannot live: equality and justice, generosity and friendship. Rather, it is necessary to recognize the unavoidable limitations and inherent contradictions in the ideas and norms that guide our actions, and do so in a way that keeps them open to constant questioning and continual revision. There can be no ethical action without critical reflection.

Mr. Derrida reminded us that religion does not always give clear meaning, purpose and certainty by providing secure foundations. To the contrary, the great religious traditions are profoundly disturbing because they all call certainty and security into question. Belief not tempered by doubt poses a mortal danger.

Fortunately, he also taught us that the alternative to blind belief is not simply unbelief but a different kind of belief - one that embraces uncertainty and enables us to respect others whom we do not understand. In a complex world, wisdom is knowing what we don't know so that we can keep the future open.

Posted by Highwaygirl on 11:27 AM | Comments (0)

Yearning

*sigh*

yearnˇing (yűr'n'ng)
n.
A persistent, often wistful or melancholy desire; a longing.

Clover is messing with my head. Not purposely, but his absence - one week and counting - is proving to be rather ... agitating? Distressing? I guess this is what happens when you see someone almost every day for six weeks and then suddenly go without them. It is unfun.

We're young and free in America. How dare we be spun by love or the lack of same?

I was searching for something on the site, and one of the search results was this random update entry. I should do more of those; they fun. And they mention most of my friends.

Anyway, I noticed that in that entry I had linked to my biorhythmic compatibility scores with my old crush, Matthew Settle. So I just did them for me and Clover and hot damn! No wonder I miss the boy so much.

Somebody tell my head to try to tell my heart that I'm better off without you

HWG: okay, I really like this Dixie Chicks song
HWG: which means I should probably be shot
Rappy: *hands over gun*
HWG: enabler

Posted by Highwaygirl on 09:01 AM | Comments (0)

October 13, 2004

You Say Potato

I'd forgotten how interesting Dr. Deborah Tannen's theories on male vs. female communication styles are to me. She wrote an opinion piece in the New York Times yesterday that talks about Bush's reluctance to admit mistakes, what this might mean to female voters, and places it in the greater context of differences in how each gender communicates.

But refusing to apologize infuriates women because that makes it seem as if the guy doesn't care that he let her down, and if he doesn't care, there's no reason to think he won't do it again.

...Most women don't regard admitting fault as a liability. Instead, they value it as a sign of caring - and a necessary prerequisite to maintain credibility.

I have Dr. Tannen's book, You Just Don't Understand. I read it when it was first published - it was a gift from my father - but I should probably read it again.

Other assorted interesting reads:


Paul Krugman outlines the lies Bush will probably try to spin in tonight's debate, and rebukes them out of hand.

The Supreme Court is reviewing the constitutionality of the execution of juvenile offenders. The NYTimes steps up with a good editorial on the subject, basically asserting that lower courts have ruled that the execution of juveniles under 18 "no longer reflect(s) the nation's thinking." I also think it's fascinating that the justices have explicitly stated that they will be taking international opinion on the issue into account.

The Federal Trade Commission has begun to bitchslap Spyware purveyors. As someone who spent hours dealing with that god forsaken "begin2search.com" toolbar that took over my browser a few weeks ago, I can only say that it's about freaking time.

You suck, Sanford Wallace!

Speaking of sucking ... here's hoping Bush goes down in tonight's final campaign debate.

Posted by Highwaygirl on 01:02 PM | Comments (0)

We've Done Nothing Wrong

Have I written lately about how much I love Jimmy Eat World? Because I really, really do. Their Bleed American CD (which was renamed to be a self-titled CD after 9/11) is one of my ten Desert Island Discs, and I am inordinantly excited about their new CD, Futures, which is being released on the 19th.

Anyway, last night I received a Jimmy newsletter which informed me that MTV.com's "The Leak" feature is streaming Futures in its entirety this whole week. WHICH MAKES ME SO, SO HAPPY. I am sitting here at work listening to it, and I plan on listening to it nonstop all day long. All week long, probably.

My early song favorites are "Work" and "Nothingswrong." The first single is "Pain."

I also have a wee (if by "wee" I mean "huge") crush on singer Jim Adkins.

Posted by Highwaygirl on 09:10 AM | Comments (0)

October 12, 2004

Girls on Film

HWG: *skips*
HWG: his mouth isn't normally that ... big
Roo: and you would know
Roo: *raises eyebrow*
HWG: "waves coquettishly", hahahahaha
HWG: I didn't know what category to put him in, so "Celebrity Crush" is it
Roo: Julie...he's seriously cute!
Roo: I seriously was shocked
HWG: he looks almost exactly like Ryan (my Canadian ex-boyfriend)
Roo: the way you talk about him, I thought it was probably the guy on the left
HWG: I definitely have a type
HWG: the way I talk about him?
Roo: he's like tall...and a hot body
HWG: 6-4
Roo: he's yummy
Roo: and you can tell him I said so
Roo: and he has pretty teef

Roo: and you have SEX with him? Lucky girl!
HWG: he has lots of teef
Roo: *stops staring*
HWG: big teef
HWG: he doesn't usually look that geeky
HWG: *stares*
Roo: *smack*
Roo: what the hell?
HWG: he doesn't!
Roo: stop being so critical!
Roo: he's YUMMY!
HWG: he's got bass mouth!
Roo: I'm seriously developing a crush
HWG: I'm going to tell him you thought he'd be the guy on the left
Roo: yeah, that's because you don't talk him up enough
Roo: so you tell him that it's YOUR fault

...

Roo: it's too bad that he's not a practicing Catholic anymore
Roo: he'd be a hot priest
Roo: a Father What a Waste, or as I prefer, Father YumYum
HWG: Father What a Waste, hahahahahaha
Roo: he has definitely earned the EEEEEEan title
Roo: he has pretty lips
Roo: doesn't it make you feel good that we're all drooling over your boyfriend???
HWG: I don't even think that's a good photo of him, though
HWG: he's squinty!
Roo: wow
Roo: he's laughing! and happy!
HWG: he's adorable, though
HWG: and tall, mmmmmmmmmm
Roo: the other guy looks like he's laughing, too
Roo: the person taking the photo must have said "Say chlamydia!"
HWG: HAHAHAHAHA
HWG: I'm sure that was it

...

Roo: Ian has nice arms
HWG: MMHMM
HWG: he has a nice everything
Roo: and I like the way his thumb is just casually hooked in his pocket
Roo: *SHOCKED FACE*
Roo: *jealouses*
Roo: *gin blossoms*
Roo: I fell in love with him when I just heard his name
HWG: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEan!
Roo: well, he's a lucky boy!
HWG: he is, 'cause I'm fabulous
Roo: because he gets a hottie, too!
HWG: he's prettier than me
Roo: pshaw
HWG: I'm smarter than him
HWG: it balances out
Roo: hahahaha!
Roo: no, you're beeyootiful

...

Roo: oooh! lava has flowed to the surface of MSH!
Roo: *runs to volcano cam*
HWG: yay!!!
HWG: link me!
Roo: http://www.fs.fed.us/gpnf/mshnvm/
HWG: smoke!
Roo: and where there's smoke...
Roo: there's LAVA!
HWG: hahahaha
Roo: I'm in a mood today
HWG: I can't picture a "lava dome"
Roo: I'm glad it doesn't show how stressed I really am!
HWG: you are in rare form today, me pretty
Roo: too bad it's not a java dome
Roo: then people could line up with their mugs!
HWG: I went to Chick Fil-a for lunch today and the people inside were dressed like pirates and wenches
Roo: and it's in Washington, where they love them some coffee
HWG: I almost called Tiff
Roo: heeeee! really?
HWG: yeah, I don't know why, though
HWG: java dome!
HWG: two mug enter, one mug leave
HWG: you know what word I really like?
HWG: MAGMA
Roo: yes!
Roo: good word!
Roo: and it's fun backwards too!
Roo: AMGAM!
HWG: HEE!
HWG: I like saying it over and over
HWG: magmamagmamagma
HWG: maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagmaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Roo: ooh! try saying it in a voice like Animal from the Muppets!
HWG: I'm going to journal some of our convo today
Roo: oooooooor in a really midwestern, MinnesOHta accent
Roo: you are? You've been a journaling freak today!
Roo: but you can't! because EEEEEEEan must stay at the top!
Roo: he LIKES it on top!
Roo: *eyebrow*
Roo: I apologize. I obviously have an unhealthy interest in your boyfriend.
Roo: *hangs head shamedly*
HWG: Erika! My word!
HWG: I won't be journaling THAT
Roo: hee
Roo: was I right?
HWG: HAHAHAHAHA
Roo: slap me!
HWG: *slap*
Roo: thank you!
Roo: geez
HWG: *snort*
Roo: *calls priest to make appointment for confession*
Roo: no, but seriously....
HWG: I'll tell you if he likes that in this next line, which I will not journal:
HWG: censored
Roo: *SHOCKED FACE*
HWG: *SHOCKED FACE*
Roo: *SHOCKED FACE*
HWG: *gasps*
Roo: *SHOCKED FACE*
HWG: *covers face*
Roo: *girly bathroom giggle*

...

Roo: where was his photo taken?
Roo: is he out of town?
HWG: oh, I didn't tell you? he's in Boston for two weeks.
HWG: business trip
Roo: ah yes...I wasn't sure if he was there yet
Roo: awww, you miss him!
HWG: well, mostly. he's also seeing his family.
HWG: I do!
Roo: God, a Boston Catholic family
Roo: be still my heart
Roo: he's like a freaking Kennedy
Roo: just kidding
Roo: but he is emailing you and telling you he wuvs and misses you?
HWG: not the wuv part
HWG: I called him after I called you on Thurs
Roo: when he sends you an email, how does he sign off?
HWG: and he's all like, "if you get there and you're unhappy, call me and I'll come running over."
Roo: awwww
HWG: "literally, because I'm a runner"
Roo: hahaha
HWG: he signs off ...
HWG: "all yours, Ian"
Roo: NO
Roo: HE
Roo: DOESN'T
HWG: *beams*
Roo: UGH
Roo: I HATE YOU
Roo: hee
HWG: are you going to vomit?
Roo: no! that's totally sweet and so sincere
HWG: you hate me now, don't you?
Roo: a little

Posted by Highwaygirl on 09:12 PM | Comments (3)

Lucky Charms

Here's Clover (on the right, click for larger image) with a friend:

clover_sm.jpg


Posted by Highwaygirl on 04:20 PM | Comments (8)

May I Introduce You

Jake-at-work sent me this link to Osymyso and an mp3 that is a mix of the introductions of an unknown number of popular songs. The mp3 is called "Intro-inspection" and it's linked on the right nav of the Osymyso page.

I'm trying to resist being obsessive about my need to figure out every damn song. Here's what I have so far (spoilered for your protection); I know I'm missing some. Maybe someone can help fill in the blanks.

Highlight the text below:


Hello, Lionel Richie
Hey Jude, Beatles
Unchained Melody, Righteous Brothers
I Get Around, Beach Boys
Tainted Love, Soft Cell
Bohemian Rhapsody, Queen
Hound Dog, Elvis Presley
???? (Stereo Mike)
99 Red Balloons, Nena
Lovecats, The Cure
Baby One More Time, Britney Spears
Can't Get Enough of Your Love, Barry White
True, Spandau Ballet
????
That insidious Spice Girls song
????
Eye of the Tiger, Survivor
???? (ba da da daa)
Need You Tonight, INXS
Come On Eileen, Dexy's Midnight Runners
Praise You, Fatboy Slim
Down Under, Men at Work
Pump Up the Volume, ????
Heard It Through the Grapevine, Marvin Gaye
Relax, Frankie Goes to Hollywood
Don't You Want Me?, Human League
I Will Survive, Gloria Gaynor
I Will Always Love You, Whitney Houston
Pink Panther theme, Mancini
Is There Something I Should Know?, Duran Duran
Groove Is In the Heart, Deelite
Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This), Eurhythmics
Oh Yeah, Yello
Song 2, Blur
You Really Got Me, Kinks
Sweet Child O' Mine, Guns and Roses
Wipeout, Sufaris
Pretty Fly for a White Guy, Offspring
Barbie Girl, Aqua
Anarchy in the UK, Sex Pistols
Satisfaction, Rolling Stones
Disco Inferno
the Sunscreen song
Like a Prayer, Madonna
Just Can't Get Enough, Depeche Mode
My Name Is, Eminem
I Feel For You, Chaka Khan
Take a Chance On Me, ABBA
Power of Love, Huey Lewis and the News
West End Girls, Pet Shop Boys
Tom's Diner, Suzanne Vega
Pretty Woman, Roy Orbison
I Just Called to Say I Love You, Stevie Wonder
????
Let's Dance, David Bowie
Smells Like Teen Spirit, Nirvana
Stayin' Alive, Bee Gees
Israelites, Desmond Dekker
I've Got the Power, ????
Safety Dance, Men Without Hats
My Generation, the Who
Take My Breath Away, Berlin
Red Red Wine, UB40
These Boots Were Made for Walking, Nancy Sinatra
It's Not Unusual, Tom Jones
Whiter Shade of Pale, Procol Harum (?)
I'm Not In Love, ????
Total Eclipse of the Heart, Bonnie Tyler
????
My Way, Frank Sinatra
The End, the Doors

Posted by Highwaygirl on 02:50 PM | Comments (0)

October 11, 2004

Thousands of Words

Here are a bunch of photo galleries from my weekend trip to Michigan. Hold your mouse pointer over a photo thumbnail for a description.

ANIMAL HOUSE
Click the thumbnail to view a larger image

Beaker!Beaker in profileBeaker looking status quo (i.e. gorgeous)
Thumper thinks my shoes are coolThumper, akimbo - and a clue as to whom I was visitingThumper looking status quo (i.e. cuuuuute)
Thumper approves of the new tableThumper owns the tableBrunch in a rare quiet moment


AROUND THE 'HOOD
Click the thumbnail to view a larger image

Pretty treesMo' pretty treesPretty trees are why I went
*climbs pretty trees*Pretty leaves, plus a cool rockI seem to have a fondness for stones
A stone dam in a ditchA flower in Jeff's front yardThe road may end, but that didn't stop me...


FIELD OF DREAMS
Click the thumbnail to view a larger image

On Saturday morning I climbed beyond the ROAD ENDS sign, and this is what I foundAnd yes, I chose this title for a reasonWe hiked the entire expanse of land
We brought hatchets and scythes in order to cut a pathOr maybe the path was already thereWe followed the path singing songs of adventure and wanderlust
I liked the leaves on this treeThe path leads into the woods, and I worry about the possibility of deer with malice on their minds 


THE GREATEST ADVENTURE
Click the thumbnail to view a larger image

Somehow, this tan-colored tree frog was spotted amidst the ground coverWe gazed upon nature's lovelinessWe marveled at how skinny trees can be
We scampered down steep pathsAnd hoped we didn't get shot by deer huntersWe saw the tallest, prettiest Christmas tree ever!
The sun shines down upon our beatific countenance (or something)There were no animals in the woods, or so we thoughtYou can see how much I like pretty trees
Deeper and deeper into the abyss we goDid this tree make any sound?Isn't it cool how a plant can grow on a rock?
An old hunter's stand thing that has fallen to the groundThe ladder used to climb into the standEntering the heart of darkness
Not only is it real - it tried to kill me!This is the deer right before it charged at us, antlers blazingThe deer stopped in mid sprint to decide which of us to gore first


OTHER COOL STUFF
Click the thumbnail to view a larger image

The much loved (and now legendary) stone tableMany hours were spent arranging the stone tiles in the perfect combinationAll I wanted was to get a good shot of a black squirrel, but I was rudely denied
A view on the peninsula that is not M37 (NOT)Another view of the puffy clouds on the Not M-37 Peninsula 


Posted by Highwaygirl on 07:37 PM | Comments (1)

I Have Returned

I am back home after spending the weekend on a vision quest. Many photos to follow.

Posted by Highwaygirl on 03:22 PM | Comments (0)

October 06, 2004

Need Be It Have a Title?

teem100604.jpg

Posted by Highwaygirl on 10:13 PM | Comments (0)

It Doesn't Bother Me

This is my favorite song to drive to (also to flail around the house to). I give you ...

Sugar, "Needle Hits E"
(right click to save)

Been selling it short
I'm seeing sunlight for the very first time
And I'm changing my ways
I'm hanging out on the roof in the rain
The tragic comedy
I hit the station as the needle hits E
The needle hits E
Fill it up and take another twenty

You're screaming in desperation
Half the time you don't even know
If I'm hanging out your frustrations
On the laundry line
I hang you out to dry

But you're dragging around
You got a bone in front of your face
And you're dragging me down
I feel for you when I feel out of place
It doesn't bother me
I hit the station as the needle hits E
The needle hits E
You're running out 'cause you're running on me

Somebody should tell your mother
All the things you're carting around
Stop kicking the wall, my brother
Have you lost your mind?
All you do is watch the tank run dry

I been living it large
Fill it up and gimme the wheel
And I cherish the day
When you say the things that you feel
And your storm is over now
I hit the station as the needle hits E
The needle hits E

Empty empty empty empty empty

Posted by Highwaygirl on 10:06 PM | Comments (0)

This Land Is My Land

Here's a parody of John Kerry and George Bush set to the tune of "This Land Is Your Land" (Flash required).

I'm still disturbed by the image of Kerry in bondage gear. *shudder*

Posted by Highwaygirl on 04:22 PM | Comments (0)

October 05, 2004

Let's Go To Bed

Ha!! I just really couldn't resist using that Cure song for the title of this entry, cheesy and lame though it may be.

HEY. I just admitted it was cheesy and lame - I don't need you to tell me, too.

So yes, I have finally, officially entered adulthood because I ... bought a new bed! Well, a mattress/boxspring combo. But here's the kicker - I upgraded from a full to a queen. So now I feel like I have a "big girl" bed. A bed fit for sleeping, and other adult activities! A bed with a cushy pillowtop, and a 20-year warranty! A bed that will be delivered to my happy home on October 17, which is a Sunday, and I plan on enjoying my new bed all that day, so don't expect any updates to this site on October 18.

IYKWIM, AITYD.

The only glitch is that I'm not sure that the queen size bed will fit on the wall where my current bed resides. So I'll either have to get rid of the cats' beloved sleeping chair, or buy a smaller nightstand table. I'm thinking it will be the latter, because the cats really like that chair.

I'm not looking forward to needing to buy all new sheets, though. Hey! I should go visit Teem again and make her take me to IKEA (again) so I can buy lots of inexpensive sheet sets ... and while I'm there, pick up a smaller nightstand table.

*packs bags*

Posted by Highwaygirl on 02:27 PM | Comments (2)

October 04, 2004

Nobody But Us In Here

teem100404.jpg

Posted by Highwaygirl on 10:39 PM | Comments (3)

*KLEEEEENG*

My friend Rappy is leaving in an hour to move back to Israel. I feel sad, and nauseous.

Posted by Highwaygirl on 02:47 PM | Comments (8)

October 01, 2004

Thespianism

Roo is so good at cheering me up. She sent me a link to the "Jaws-as-reenacted-by-bunnies" clip, and I had to watch all the others. I like them all (except the Alien one is a little meh).

The Exorcist
Jaws
The Shining
Titanic
Alien

Posted by Highwaygirl on 02:02 PM | Comments (1)

Andy Griffith vs. Barney Fife

Lots of political junk to talk about today! I'll get to the debate in a minute, but first, let us celebrate a minor defeat of the Patriot Act!

Judge Victor Marrero of the Federal District Court in Manhattan struck down a part of the act that deals with surveillance, ruling that "it broadly violated the Constitution by giving the federal authorities unchecked powers to obtain private information."

The ruling came in a case brought by the American Civil Liberties Union against a kind of subpoena created under the act, known as a national security letter. Such letters could be used in terrorism investigations to require Internet service companies to provide personal information about subscribers and would bar them from disclosing to anyone that they had received a subpoena.

Such a subpoena could be issued without court review, under provisions that seemed to bar the recipient from discussing it with a lawyer.

Judge Marrero vehemently rejected that provision, saying that it was unique in American law in its "all-inclusive sweep" and had "no place in our open society."

So basically, if you're an Internet service provider and you receive one of these national security letters, you cannot consult a lawyer over whether you are legally obligated to comply with it. You just have to give up the information the letter is requesting, or, presumably, get thrown in jail. Discussing the matter with a lawyer would be a violation of federal law, which means you'll get thrown in jail regardless.

Nice, huh? So much for due process.

California Governor Schwarzenegger has outlawed the force feeding of birds to create fois gras. That's a disgusting practice - *glares at Rappy* - and I'm glad that it will be banned eventually.

And now ... let us speak of Kerry vs. Bush, Round One!

Full disclosure - I did not actually watch the debate myself. I got through the first 10 minutes and then I couldn't take it any more. I just can't watch Bush grimace and glare and sneer for any length of time without hoping that someone sets him on fire. And since I don't want to be an angry girl, I turned off the television.

The overview of the debate in the NY Times is balanced and informative. That page also includes a link to view the entire debate online. The paper's analysis of the debate is helpful to put what was said into context. The editorial is also good, but slanted towards Kerry a little bit.

Tom Shales of the Washington Post provides solid analysis of the debate and the major networks' post-debate analysis. Howard Kurtz continues that line and says the media gave Kerry the win.

I guess some people like Bush for being so resolute and unwilling to deviate from his plan on how to succeed in Iraq. I see that as a refusal to admit that he's wrong, and to change course accordingly. I think most people, myself included, would respect him a lot more if he were to admit that his original plan for Iraq ended up being flawed, and based upon the information we have now - and more importantly, the different challenges we face in that country now (as opposed to when we invaded) - the plan needs to be revised. But this insistence that everything is going okay and that we'll win eventually is silly.

As as Kerry himself said - "It's one thing to be certain, but you can be certain and be wrong."

Bush castigates Kerry for being inconsistent - "He changes positions. And you cannot change positions in this war on terror if you expect to win." - but what he attempts to portray as inconsistency I see as merely reacting to a better understanding of the situation at hand. We've all said "yes" to some action and then, after we have all the facts, had misgivings. When Kerry voted to authorize $87 billion to fund the war, he made his decision based upon what he was being told - by the Bush Administration - at the time. When the truth came to light, it changed his opinion - as the truth is wont to do - and he decided that he disagreed with the request for additional funding, and voted against it.

That is the kind of person I want to be President. Someone who understands that things change, and your reactions to them need to change as well. Bush seems unable to allow that sort of flexibility in thought. Which is why no one will ever mistake the man for one of the great thinkers of our time.

Posted by Highwaygirl on 11:09 AM | Comments (0)