Catwhores

Rappy: dude, that Caygeon sure puts out a lot. I remember getting some love too
Me: hahahahaha
Me: you should comment that
Rappy: I'll comment tomorrow. I'm just doing some catch up and then going to bed.
Me: oh fine
Me: remember what you said, then
Rappy: that your cat is a slut?
Rappy: yeah, not likely to forget

The Way We Were

Me: http://www.highwaygirl.com/archive/000502.html
Rappy: aw
Rappy: that was so sweet.
Rappy: I'm glad we became friends.
Rappy: thanks to blasted TWoP
Rappy: no less
Rappy: you really are a huge part of my life.
Me: aww, and you are a huge part of mine too!
Rappy: *group hug*
Me: I would be lost without ye
Me: *hug*
Rappy: ye complete me!
Rappy: *grin*
Me: *jumps on couch*
Rappy: hahahaha
Me: *fist pumps*
Me: *insane, maniacal grin*
Rappy: I broke my collarbone jumping on a couch. You be careful!
Me: how did we become friends, even?
Me: just through chat?
Rappy: yup
Rappy: through TAR chat
Me: OH OH OH
Me: one word
Me: - pause -
Me: DJEBER
Me: *smirk*
Rappy: OH MY GOD
Me: HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHEHEHEHEHEHE
Rappy: I wonder what that loser is up to?
Rappy: well, not really, but let's put our good friend google to work
Me: oh man, I haven't thought of him in ages
Me: BUT
Me: I remember that he flaunted you to me
Rappy: and you know what else I thought about recently?
Me: once I had ditched him
Rappy: he WHAT?
Me: OH YES
Rappy: YOU DIDN'T TELL ME THIS!
Me: YES!
Me: he lurved me
Me: but I was like ... no
Rappy: oh, I knew that, but what about the flaunt?
Me: so then you met him at TARCon, I think
Me: and then he came back and told me that you and he were IT
Me: and that you were both really into each other
Me: and you had that whole marriage pact ting
Me: ting! I'm suddenly Jamaican
Rappy: HAHAHAHA
Me: and he tells me this and I'm thinking...
Rappy: dude, it was a drunk fucking JOKE
Me: holy shit, I should warn this girl
Me: because he was TEH FREAK
Me: he starts off nice, and then becomes ... yeah
Me: insane clown posse
Me: so yes, in the beginning I was concerned about you
Me: and that's how I started talking to you
Rappy: anyway, I was thinking the other day, about the whole COSMO episode.
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
Rappy: Good times, man
Me: another one I haven't thought of in forever
Me: what the hell was it I said to her?
Me: OH OH OH
Me: "NICE, Cosmo"
Me: and that shattered her emotionally
Me: I can't remember how you so wronged her
Rappy: hahahaha
Rappy: because she made a gross comment about Jeans in LG chat and I asked her rather nicely to refrain because others had complained
Rappy: and then she wrote that crazy entry in her hidden journal that Ladex showed me
Rappy: and then she ran off besmirching us everywhichway
Rappy: I feel semi bad for her, though. She was truly in need of meds.
Me: now I remember the Jeans thing
Me: and yes, Cosmo went on a total fucking bender
Me: ripping us near and far on the internet
Me: good times!

Ribbit

Roo: guess what I'm doing in June?
Roo: you're going to dieeeeeeeeeee
Me: testing for your black belt???
Me: I mean a higher degree
Roo: ha! no
Me: hint me?
Roo: Ribbit
Me: frogs...
Me: you're going to kiss a frog?
Roo: heh. perhaps
Roo: frogs are also called ___
Me: YOU'RE GOING TO FRANCE???
Roo: or well, maybe it's a different classification
Roo: HA...what??? hee
Me: wow, that was insensitive of me
Me: Marcel will be displeased
Roo: indeed!

I Love the Koos

Me: this is pretty
Me: click the See It Larger link
Me: the cut on those is really interesting
Rappy: totally
Rappy: I like the wide leg bit
Me: yeah, me too
Me: the top probably would not fit me, though
Me: I like men's pajamas so much more than women's
Rappy: I don't own pajamas
Rappy: I sleep in sweatpants and a shirt
Me: I sleep in a t-shirt and shorts, but ...
Me: I was looking for something nicer
Rappy: heh
Rappy: I WONDER WHY!
Me: although I already had the "I don't wear frilly lace lingerie" discussion with Marcel
Me: to which he replied, "lingerie is overrated"
Rappy: heh
Rappy: he's obviously a keeper
Me: you know ... I really think he is
Me: my nephew cracked me up with his "are you gonna MARRY HIM?" questions
Rappy: he is wise beyond his years
Me: this is cute too
Rappy: meh - busy
Me: hmm
Me: yes, perhaps
Me: THIS IS WHAT I DON'T MISS ABOUT DATING
Rappy: yeah
Rappy: but damn, I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, you know?
Me: of course not
Me: I will bring Marcel with me to visit you!
Me: he has special ops training, he can protect us from suicide bombers
Rappy: yeah, you're willing to lend him out?
Me: oh HELL NO
Me: I don't share
Rappy: hehehehe
Me: but if things progress with him, I'd like him to meet you
Me: since you're one of my closest friends
Rappy: aw! Thanks babe, YOU TOO!
Rappy: now, back to me being a spinstress...

Ashkara

Me: give him a call, see what he can do for you
Erika: and he's from Scotland!
Me: DEFINITELY give him a call
Me: jesus, just to hear him talk
Me: can I give him a call?
Erika: well, it said he moved here when he was 10
Me: oh
Erika: so he might not have an accent
Me: well call him and find out. if he does, send me his phone number.
Erika: hee
Erika: not a chance, you whore
Erika: I keep the Scottish boys to meself!
Me: hahahahaha

Rappy: I'm going to start teaching you a Hebrew (sort of) word a day.
Rappy: Today's word:
Rappy: Ashkara. "Totally"
Rappy: As in:
Rappy: - BDI is such a douche
- Ashkara
Me: HAHAHAHA
Me: Ashkara
Rappy: now YOU find a way to put it in a sentence
Me: hmm
Rappy: want another one?
Me: Programmers are stupid idiots.
Me: "Ashkara"
Rappy: EXCELLENT! *awards gold star*
Me: gimme another
Rappy: Fashla, "Major fuck up"
Rappy: example:
Rappy: Erasing that database was a first class fashla
Me: oh GOD
Me: I could use that every hour
Rappy: more?
Me: wait, I have to use it
Me: so I remember it
Me: um...
Me: The war in Iraq is a major fashla on the part of Bush
Rappy: no.
Rappy: A fashla is big, but no fashla is that big

Me: And Purim is ...
Rappy: Purim is the holiday in which we commemorate having beaten the Persian scheme to kill all Jews by killing the Persians instead.

Me: take your oven with you when you go see Totem
Me: so he can bake me some lemon cookies
Rappy: yeah, let me get right on that.
Me: strap it to your back
Me: it will be good exercise
Rappy: I should carry it on my back while riding my bike
Me: yes, even better!
Me: I am going grocery shopping on my lunch hour
Me: does that make me lame?
Rappy: yes
Me: awesome
Me: OH
Me: BY THE WAY
Me: I want you to know that I did not make tabbouleh this weekend
Me: so I am NOT addicted
Rappy: did you run out of parsley?
Me: no, I specifically didn't make it
Rappy: because you didn't want to or because you were trying to prove a point?
Me: well the latter, of course
Rappy: not buying it
Me: shut up

Boys Am Dumb

Rappy: This was a shopping mall, now it's a peaceful oasis
YOU GOT IT, YOU GOT IT
Me: oh dude
Me: I am so sick
Me: *blurf*
Rappy: wha?
Rappy: what did you eat?
Me: Italian, last night, during a date
Me: the date SUCKED and now my insides are on the outside
Rappy: a date? with whom? and sucked how?
Me: a guy named Mark, who works with my friend Glen
Me: not a blind date, since I've hung out with him before
Me: anyway, it was supposed to be just a casual thing, but he took me to a romantic restaurant
Me: first problem
Me: so then we went to my place after to watch Lost
Me: and he was looking at the books on my bookcase, and noticed the ones I had on cancer
Me: he asked about them so I told him about having had Hodgkin's
Me: and it was like the ARCTIC in my living room the rest of the night
Me: he barely spoke over the next 45 minutes
Me: when before I couldn't get him to shut up
Rappy: I'm sorry, when did cancer turn into AIDS?
Me: yeah, especially since I've been in remission for ALMOST 10 YEARS
Me: so, whatever. it's his loss, not mine.
Me: but I haven't had that happen in a few years, so it was pretty stunning
Rappy: that is just so fucking retarded any which way you look at it.
Me: you betcha
Me: I'm going to talk to Glen later and tell him
Rappy: did I mention it was RETARDED?
Me: Glen will probably go give him all sorts of hell, which the dork deserves
Rappy: I'm sorry. I cannot wrap my head around someone having a reaction to CANCER like it's leprosy or something.
Me: anyway, I woke up at midnight wanting to puke my guts out
Me: and then proceeded to do so over the next three hours
Me: plus I'm having the worst cramps ever in the history of womankind
Me: so I just got to work, and I'm going to skip lunch and stay here until 3, then go home
Rappy: yikes
Rappy: *hug*
Me: thanks *hug*
Me: how was your day?
Rappy: boring
Rappy: wait - I said that yesterday when you asked
Rappy: ask me again
Me: how was your day?
Rappy: boring
Rappy: wait...

Rappy: wow - Sean Astin's character on 24 is so pathetic
Me: DUDE
Me: thank god Curtis stepped up
Rappy: dude!
Rappy: NOT THERE YET :-)
Me: Sean Astin is a craptastic actor
Me: I nearly cried tears of joy seeing Peter Weller
Rappy: Peter Weller?
Me: this show has several of my adolescent crushes
Me: he's playing the guy Jack goes to see
Rappy: ah
Me: he was Buckaroo Banzai
Me: *swoon*
Me: I have also swooned over Julian Sands
Rappy: ?
Me: he's playing the blonde euroterrorist
Rappy: ah
Rappy: Eurorist :-)
Rappy: WTF happened to Kim Raver's nose? I think she's two timing Jack with Michael Jackson's plastic surgeon

Spin Cycle

Me: there's a guy here
Me: 21-22 or something
Me: who constantly talks in a fake Chinese accent
Me: how can someone not realize how offensive that is?
Rappy: I don't know. How can so many Israelis have no conscience about occupation? People are idiots, is how.
Me: there's this line from Battlestar Galactica
Me: (just bear with me here)
Me: the Cylons are trying to destroy the human race, and the human race is all, WTF?
Me: so one human says to a captured Cylon, "Hey - WTF?"
Me: and the Cylon says, "You keep wondering what you did to deserve destruction. Has it ever occured to you that you've done nothing to deserve to live?"
Me: or something to that effect
Me: sometimes that's how I feel about people, too
Rappy: dude! I was thinking before you typed that that the WTF was the punchline and was thinking it's good I don't watch the show
Me: hahahaha
Me: no, I said to bear with me!
Rappy: type faster, dude
Me: FOINE, BITCH
Me: asdklfnaklsdfnalkdnflkasdnflkansdlfkalkdflaksdflaadskfjasdfa
Me: akdjfhnkasdjfnkajsdnf
Me: asdfskdjf
Me: WTF!
Me: there!
Me: *screams*
Me: oh, I almost have all of BB6 archived over on HT.net
Me: I just have five more live feed recap threads to go
Rappy: rock on
Rappy: as a testament to how much I need a dryer, I just put on damp clothes and blow dried myself
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHA

Rappy: aw, look at Kiwi, standing in the shade of my underthings on her chair.
Rappy: I love my cats
Rappy: luckily she isn't chewing away at my already ratty bra strap
Rappy: wow. I think the last three things I typed may be the reason I don't have a man.
Rappy: well, a good man at any rate
Me: any man who doesn't like cats can piss right off, as far as I'm concerned
Rappy: yup
Rappy: and the thing is that there aren't people who are just indifferent to cats. It's as if it's got to be a love or hate thing. Dude, not liking cats doesn't mean you hate them, and also, why the fuck don't you like cats?
Me: Hmm, you know, you're right
Me: I've never met a guy who was just indifferent to them
Me: I can understand not liking cats if you don't like animals in general
Me: but, say, you love dogs but you hate cats?
Me: you need mental help
Rappy: that's so weird!
Me: I love all of God's creatures, of course
Rappy: except roaches
Me: and alligators
Me: I am indulging in a little hot! pink grapefruit! action!
Rappy: *shocked face*
Rappy: you...
Rappy: you...
Rappy: PERV!
Me: *suckles*

Baking Cookies

Rappy: he's a seriously whiny bitch, isn't he?
Me: oh yeah
Me: I think I have a garlic-induced headache
Rappy: that's a new one
Me: YOU
Me: DO NOT
Me: HAVE
Me: ABALEH
Me: under DIVERSIONS
Me: *shocked face*
Me: you should be ASHAMED
Rappy: I am
Rappy: very very ashamed
Me: I'm telling Totem
Me: oh look, he stole from you
Rappy: the fucker
Rappy: it's not enough that I give and give and give, he has to go and take more
Me: hahahahaha
Me: *copies*
Me: Totem and I should watch Battlestar Galactica and eat cauliflower together
Rappy: and for your second date?
Me: Baking cookies, of course
Me: I mean that literally, not the euphemism
Me: Although maybe the euphemism, too, depending on how much I like him
Rappy: Why wouldn't you like him? Are you saying my brother isn't good enough for you, bitch?
Me: I'm not saying that at all!
Me: But I don't euphemistically "bake cookies" for just ANYONE
Rappy: dude, you INVENTED the euphemism, you shameless hussy!
Me: I love how we discuss your brother's future without his knowledge
Me: the poor guy is none the wiser, is he?
Rappy: none
Me: I didn't invent the euphemism, though
Me: it's used commonly in reference to Gwyneth Paltrow blowing Harvey Weinstein to get where she is
Rappy: it is? she did?
Me: that's the scuttlebutt!
Me: that's why she was in every Miramax movie for a while
Me: because she was BLOWING the head of Miramax
Me: literally AND figuratively
Rappy: well, it does explain a lot. I don't think she's particularly talented.
Me: me neither. plus she's unbearably smug.
Rappy: and I particularly don't find her attractive.
Me: and her ads for Estee Lauder look like they're actually for a feminine hygeine product
Rappy: I think she looks a little like a rat and cannot fathom why the world finds her to be some sort of icon
Me: Teem won't like the way this conversation is turning, I assure you
Me: *waves at Teemy*
Rappy: Is she reading it?
Me: She will when she checks me site!
Me: She's a Gwyneth fan, god bless her
Rappy: *waves at teem!*
Rappy: well, someone has to be or else we'd have no one to mock
Me: But we love her anyway!

Who's Your Abaleh?

Totem appears to be making good on his promise to bake me cookies. Well, sometime in the next 1,001 days, at any rate (check out No. 62).

Totem also is endeavoring to be a technical writer. Which means that Totem has Teh Crazy.

Peace Through Superior Firepower

CHECK THIS OUT!!

Click the thumbnail for a larger image

This is the front and back of a very cool coin that my very wonderful friend Eric sent me from the USS Ronald Reagan (an aircraft carrier, in case you didn't know). I cannot stop playing with it. It's kinda weighty, and about the diameter of the opening of a can of soda. The detail on it is really quite impressive.

I don't know what kind of fighter planes are pictured on it. Mayhap Eric will let me know.

A Friend Indeed

Rappy just came back from a week in Paris and apparently she now hates me.

Me: Maybe you should send him a lock of your hair.
Me: Or underwear.
MeanRappy: Yeah.
MeanRappy: Uh, no.
MeanRappy:OK, Julie? I may swoon and joke about it, but he *does* have a girlfriend and he does love her.
Me: I know. I'm swooning and joking right along with you.
Me: I have to go jogging tonight and I don't waaaaaaaaant tooooooooooooo.
MeanRappy: Go jogging, you lazy bitch.
Me: God you're mean.
Me: *cries*

French = BAD

Ten Words

Rappy: I'm stuck in the 10 words to describe yourself bit
Rappy: I've written:
Rappy: laughter
Rappy: books
Rappy: camera
Me: cats
Me: wry
Rappy: "haaretz" (meaning both "the country" and the name of a newspaper)
Rappy: cats!
Rappy: I suppose I could put both their names
Me: is that two more words?
Rappy: I need 3 more
Rappy: or is that cheating?
Rappy: should I put Canada
Me: hmm
Me: does Canada define you?
Rappy: sort of.
Rappy: the language does
Rappy: I've gone back to cats
Me: food
Me: or cooking
Me: "crafty bitch"
Rappy: heh
Rappy: no
Me: no smoking you bastards!
Me: or
Me: be a good lover, ok?
Rappy: one word
Me: oh all right
Rappy: fuckwell
Rappy: hahaha
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHA
Rappy: ok. 3 more
Me: haaaaaaaaaaaahahahahaha
Rappy: heh
Me: LOLOL
Rappy: hahaha
Rappy: ROTFL!
Me: here's the thing
Me: there's a brand of cookies over here
Me: called SNACKWELLS
Rappy: oh, I know the snacks. Well.
Me: "Mmm, Fuckwells! You shouldn't have!"
Rappy: hahahahaha
Me: hahahahahahahaha
Rappy: *snort*
Rappy: three!
Rappy: more!
Rappy: words!
Me: ok, focusing
Rappy: ok
Me: loyal?
Me: determined
Me: destined
Rappy: uh, why am I making a dating profile? I just want to see the boys!
Rappy: hmm, not that determined.
Me: saucy
Rappy: i'm so not saucy
Me: blanched
Me: let's do food terms
Rappy: lipgloss!
Rappy: heh
Me: braised
Me: hahahahaha
Me: coq au vin
Rappy: yes. "you had me at braised."
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHA
Me: *megasnort*
Rappy: heh
Me: if you're not serious about this, fake it and let's get to the boys
Me: I want to see some hot Jewish boys!
Me: and your brother doesn't count

Patch Adams

Look at this! I got a letter from the middle of the Pacific!

The bestest little Nicaraguan freedom fighter sent me a lovely item that I will cherish forever and ever and ever:

I'm going to sleep with it under my pillow tonight.

Rappy = Space Cowboy

Me: does he live near you?
Rappy: no
Rappy: in a town that's about 1/2 an hour by train
Rappy: but one of his best friends lives near me
Me: hangout potential!
Rappy: I'm trying to get him to join me at a food workshop
Me: so you can get him drunk and take advantage of him?
Me: you naughty girl!
Rappy: at a food workshop? At 10:30 on a Friday morning?
Rappy: With 15 other people around?
Rappy: yeah, that's my plan.
Me: no, you START getting him drunk at the workshop
Me: and then continue it at your pad
Rappy: ok. *takes notes*
Me: what does he do exactly?
Rappy: Depending on which project he's working on, I think he mostly does project logistics.
Rappy: but he does different things on different projects
Me: I'll bet he's a high-priced male escort in his off time
Rappy: I'm sure
Me: it could happen!
Rappy: of course
Rappy: In my spare time I'm a rocket scientist, so why the hell not?

Peace, Love and Goats

Jake: clearly your cats are pure evil
Me: why?
Jake: I just noticed you had a photo section on your site. Don't know why I never saw it before.
Jake: Anyway... HERE'S WHY
Jake: Goddamn evil
Me: my cat is damn cute you twat!
Jake: hahaha
Jake: MY CAT IS CUTER
Me: I need to update this thing
Jake: It doesn't freak you out that anyone in the world can view photos of you and your family?
Me: no, not really. not many people would just stumble upon that photo album.
Jake: still fantastic
Me: ooh, yeah! I should do a lomo for my next shot on Foecus.
Jake: there's something absolutely amazing about wet hair in front of eyes like that, especially in a nice b/w
Jake: and I dont even mean in a perverse way
Jake: it's just an artistic thing of beauty to me
Me: yeah, I think it looks interesting in the super saturated color AND in the b/w
Me: totally different looks
Jake: yeah
Me: did you see my spoon shot?
Jake: Yeah I saw that a few weeks ago. Absolutely loved that one.
Me: I wish I could be a photojournalist
Me: how COOL would that be?
Jake: yeah, I know the feeling
Me: although I'm not good enough yet
Jake: Ehh
Jake: It's like any other "art" ... it's all up to the viewer
Jake: 22) Get a facial
Jake: ahahahaha I can't help but succumb to my immaturity
Jake: I'll still giggle at such things when I'm 40
Jake: If I live that long
Me: wait, is that on my list?
Jake: yes
Me: I need to update my list
Me: I tackled the database conversion
Jake: 39) Watch a sunset on the West Coast
Jake: West coast of Florida or you mean CA?
Me: not of FL
Jake: ah
Me: Hawaii is the goal
Jake: I was gonna say ...
Me: but barring that, West Coast of the U.S.
Jake: 48) Stay awake for 48 consecutive hours
Jake: Heh
Jake: Part o' the reason I was so manic when I met you guys...
Me: sleep deprivation?
Jake: Ive been getting very little because of my current projects
Jake: It's great
Jake: Now if only i had access to a wide array of drugs
Jake: PILLS DAMN YOU
Jake: I'm in the mood for some lovely psychedelics
Me: Jake
Me: what is a "daisy chain"?
Jake: I ain't no hippie
Jake: 100) Go blonde (or very dark brown)
Jake: Please
Jake: Please Julie
Jake: Don't make the baby Jesus cry
Me: oh, dude! I've done that too!
Jake: egianbhjadfh
Me: the very dark brown
Me: well, almost
Jake: Thank fuck I havent had to see the blonde
Me: my hair, no matter what color I dye it, always turns a bit red
Jake: There is no tactful way of throwing up
Me: it is FANNOYING
Me: now I'm going to bleach my hair just to spite you
Jake: demon
Me: alright, I gotta run out to CVS
Me: back in a flash-o-matic
Jake: Time for me to start making dinner you wretched goat
Jake: I have no genuine explanation as to why I insult you with such titles as GOAT. A wretched one for that matter.
Jake: Peace and love
Jake: APOCALYPSE

Staccato Style

Rappy: boo!
Me: oh, hey
Me: I've been running around like a mad person
Rappy: I'm right at the end of TAR
Me: cool beans, page me when you're done
Rappy: ok
Rappy: I would have KICKED ASS in that onion task
Me: heh
Rappy: HOLY SHIT
Rappy: YAY!
Rappy: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo!
Me: YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: happiness
Rappy: I was getting nervous there with the begging!
Rappy: holy shit!
Rappy: I'd be all, fuck the driver and just run in
Rappy: mind you, it is miami
Rappy: he'd run in after me with an uzi
Me: hahahahahaha
Rappy: which just reminded me of that guy with the staccato emailing that my friend wanted to set me up with
Me: who?
Rappy: don't you remember? It was while I was still in Toronto, and my friend wanted to fix me up with her friend, and his emails were just utterly devoid of personality - staccato style
Rappy: we made fun of him and called him Uzi
Me: OH OH OH
Me: yes
Me: Uzi
Me: we did make fun of him, shame on us
Rappy: take that back
Rappy: there is no shame in that whatsoever

Slipshod

Me: I ordered from Zappos
Teem: what what?
Me: it's SUPPOSED to come today
Me: but UPS is saying tomorrow
Me: because they're hateful
Teem: indian mocassins?
Me: YES!!!
Me: how did you know?
Teem: how!
Teem: *raises palm*
Me: *dies laughing*
Me: http://www.zappos.com/n/p/product_id/7171890.html
Teem: oh, those are stupid cute!
Teem: and cheap!
Me: I'm checking my UPS confirmation link...
Me: THEY HAVE BEEN DELIVERED!!!
Me: *screams*
Teem: *waddles around quickly*

Reconnections

Tonight I had dinner with the guy who was my best friend in high school. He wrote me the following letter at the end of our senior year:

Isn't that nice? He was wrong, though - he was very deserving.

Teem Goes Both Ways

Me: I fell in love with a perfume
Teem: yay!
Teem: which one?
Me: we're going to have a torrid affair
Me: Narciso Rodriguez For Her
Teem: whoa!
Teem: somebody at the museum was telling me about that one
Me: I am in LOVE
Me: I bought samples off eBay
Me: to make sure it's LOVE
Me: if it is, I will then purchase
Me: it's a little TOO spicy right out of the gate
Me: but about 30 minutes later - heaven
Me: and I can still smell it on myself somewhat
Teem: what are the notes?
Me: I can't actually find a good listing
Me: Sephora doesn't have it
Me: but according to MUA it has musk and vanilla
Me: which I usually HATE
Teem: oooh
Teem: yes!
Teem: but sometimes it's good
Me: but godDAMN it smells good on me
Me: like, sexy, sultry good
Me: but not overwhelming
Teem: *mounts you*

Mystery Solved

Several years ago, a few months after I started at my current job, one of my coworkers ate a box of Stouffer's Macaroni & Cheese that I had brought in for lunch on a Friday and forgot about. I planned on having it the following Monday, only to find that some DAMNABLE BASTARD had consumed it over the weekend.

I suspected Jake. He'd be the kind of person who would do something like that. But he maintained, for YEARS, that it was not him.

I talked to Jake earlier tonight ...

Me: I know you mess with food, YOU ATE MY MAC & CHEESE
Me: *winking smiley*
Jake: oooh shit that's right... I was supposed to buy you a replacement before I left too
Jake: sorry I honestly forgot
Me: finally you admit to it!!!!
Jake: I did finally confess right?
Jake: OH SHIT!
Me: not until right now!!!
Jake: I THOUGHT I DID BEFORE I LEFT
Me: YOU BASTARD!!!!!!
Jake: SORRY!!!!
Jake: I CAN EXPLAIN!
Me: OH MY GOD!!!
Me: YOU LIED TO ME
Jake: I didnt realize it was yours until AFTER you gave me shit
Jake: yes
Jake: I lied
Me: OVER AND OVER AND OVER
Jake: BUT
Jake: HAHAHA YES
Jake: because I planned on telling you years later
Jake: which is what has happened I suppose
Jake: so it was like this
Jake: I was there over the weekend
Jake: AND I TOO HAD BEEN EATING THOSE FUCKING THINGS
Me: they're sinfully delicious, I know
Jake: and I saw one in the freezer
Jake: thought it was mine from a while back
Jake: ate it
Jake: then whenever you started talking about it
Jake: or rather complaining about the theft
Jake: I had to deny it
Me: dude
Me: I am outing you
Jake: hahahahah, I am truly sorry

Tears of Joy

Four words:

JAKE IS COMING BACK!

And he'll probably be sitting with me and Cindy in our office, since his old one is now taken. But still.

JAKE IS COMING BACK!

*weeps*

Where In the World Is Jake?

I'm on the phone with JAKE! He's on I-57 in Illinois, 70 miles outside of Champaign, where he'll pick up I-39. He's excited because he's going to be passing by Rockford, of Rockford Files fame.

He also passed the biggest crucifix ever, which just said THE CROSS - TRUCKERS WELCOME.

Tennessee gas stations had small sausages for sale called "Li'l Chubs."

Certifiable Attention Whore

Rappy: http://www.netgrocer.com/
Me: here's the real test
Me: DO THEY HAVE DIET SUNKIST???
Rappy: Julie, please accept what I'm about to say with the understanding that I very much love you
Rappy: but you're fucking insane
Me: well you know where THAT'S going...
Rappy: haha
Rappy: dude, why do you think I said it ;-)
Rappy: *panders*
Me: hahahaha
Rappy: I am the attention whore to your certifiability

(And the answer is yes, they do.)

A Friend Indeed

Me: this is the day that will not end
Me: *flings self off balcony*
Rappy: *catches*
Me: awww
Me: you're a good friend, Rappy

The E in Team

Six months ago I rambled on about how much I liked the iPod commercial that had black silhouettes of people flailing about to Steriogram's "Walkie Talkie Man."

So I was talking with Eric a few days ago (although it might have been just yesterday, I'm not sure - it all blends together) and I think we were talking about white-person dancing, and I brought up the iPod commercial because the chick with the ponytail dances the way I dance.

Then I tried to actually find the commercial on the Apple site. Alas, it has been removed. I spent about 20 minutes using Google to try and find it, with no luck. Now, anyone who knows me, knows that I ROCK when it comes to Internet research. There is usually nothing I can't find.

Except this time. I could not find it.

So I was at work today and Eric tells me he has a present for me, and he sends me a link - to the JAPANESE version of the Apple site, which still has the commercial archived. He had been looking for it on and off all day long, and his perserverance had finally paid off.

But then it was a matter of saving it. After some thinking, I scanned through the HTML code of the page to find the direct link to the Quicktime movie, slapped that link into Macromedia Homesite, coded it up, then right-clicked and was able to save it.

We're a pretty good team, as it turns out.

SO NOW IT IS MINE. FOR ALL ETERNITY. I've got both the 480 size and the 320 (the 480 won't upload properly, but it's on my hard drive).

That Eric would spend any time, much less a few hours, trying to find this for me ... how great is that? I know it's just a stupid iPod commercial, but I really wanted to see it again, and Eric knew that. His finding it is one of the more considerate things that anyone has done for me recently.

He shall be rewarded handsomely for his effort.

Jake: Exit Stage Right

Today is Jake's last day at work, and I am sad.

(This entry will be updated as needed.)

Jake: dude I'm tellin ya ... I'll email you rants and one-liners all the time for your site
Jake: mista fancy pants will live on
Me: *rejoices*
Jake: I'm sure I'll have many many stories to tell
Me: YOU'D BETTER
Jake: but I'd like to have more than just you as a fan
Jake: make me famous
Jake: hahahahahahahaha
Me: dude
Me: make your own damn self famous
Me: you're so lazy!
Jake: extremely lazy
Jake: you're like my agent
Jake: my manager
Jake: my promoter
Jake: my ... handler
Me: *eyebrow*
Jake: hahahahahahaha
Me: the gift between my legs, Jake
Me: hahahahahahaha
Jake: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Me: that rocked
Jake: that was priceless
Me: that was one of my best unintentional good lines

Reality Check

God, I just love Frazzledglispa.

Whenever I need an honest opinion about something, he comes through for me. He has this amazing quality of being able to instantaneously cut through all the BS of a situation and get to the bottom line, which is something I really appreciate. Stuff like this:

*swoon*

I also like him because he's exactly one day younger than me.

I had a dream with Rappy in it last night. We were in some random mall in some random city, and we were browsing the jewelry selection at one of those kiosks that are in the middle of the mall walkway. Except this kiosk was gigantic.

I kept asking Rappy if "this is Sephora" because somehow, inexplicable as it seems, the dream Julie can't tell the difference between Sephora and a jewelry store. Rappy said Sephora was next. Yay! I start browsing some bead-type jewelry (which, in reality, I don't like), and I look up to see actress Emily Procter (of West Wing and CSI: Miami fame) browsing across from me. I smile and nod in silent acknowledgment.

Then Rappy whips out her cell phone and calls someone: "RANDOM PERSON NAME, you'll never GUESS who is here. ROB THOMAS of Matchbox 20. And he's wearing NORMAL CLOTHES."

So I look up and sure enough, there's Rob Thomas, standing about 8 feet away. He gives us this annoyed look and snottily says "THANKS A LOT." I guess because he thinks he will momentarily be mobbed by a throng of adoring fans.

I, of course, do my best to disavow him of that particular notion, by telling him that no one cares who he is, he looks like a homeless guy, and "YOU SMELL."

Then Rappy and I ran away, giggling.

Hanford Auto Show

In addition to all of his other wonderful qualities, Eric is also an amazing photographer:

Hanford (California) Auto Show - June 2003

Major Minors

Me: suddenly, that new stat thingie started wigging out and adding that space above the banner
Me: because as soon as I removed the script, it went away
Rappy: I see
Me: but I'd rather blame Ben
Me: which I did in a comment
Rappy: ha
Me: he added you to his list of blogs
Rappy: and I did him
Rappy: which he thanked me for
Rappy: he's adorable
Rappy: aren't you glad you had to weed through seven bazillion emails?
Me: BUT HE'S MINE
Me: your ass can BACK OFF
Me: *smirk*
Rappy: oh RELAX! I've got my own minor to deal with, you perv
Me: you just remember that
Me: and yes, wading through five billion emails from that ship was worth it for the guys I still write to
Me: totally

Jake: I have a dentist appt today
Jake: now they are gonna drill
Jake: and fucking make me numb
Me: and you're going to drool
Jake: so I'll be drooling
Jake: god life sucks
Me: and then you die!
Me: *tap dances on your grave*

Rappy: my daddy am smrt
Me: and he makes good pickles!
Rappy: I was complaining about not being able to open the window, and he suggested the paint stripper that I got for the dresser
Me: dude, I told you that a long time ago
Rappy: you did?
Me: yeah, when you told me it was painted shut
Rappy: clearly I never listen to you
Me: NO YOU NEVER DO

Rappy: we live in a crazy world.
Rappy: what nature doesn't do we do to each other
Me: that is profound
Me: *copies*
Me: *pastes*

Your Head's a Hammer

Me: I've decided that men are a separate species
Me: and totally unfathomable
Roo: amen to that

How Old Am I, Again?

I was talking to someone online this afternoon - he shall be heretofore referred to as King Missile - and he was asking me what the name of an upside down pentagram with rounded corners was. My answer was something along the lines of "hell if I know."

So he launched the Doodle IMVironment on Yahoo Messenger and started drawing it (he's in orange). I, of course, had to deface his lovely drawing with my devil-worshipping grafitti:

I tried to print it, but my printer borked on me. So he took a screenshot and sent it to me.

I think the eyes/smile make the drawing.

Her Head Has No Room

Rappy: oh GOD
Rappy: go away
Me: GO AWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!
Rappy: god, you know how sometimes you meet someone and they immediately think you're their best friend and call you constantly?
Rappy: well, imagine that, with a sexual overtone.
Rappy: EW
Me: *dies a little inside*

Jake: I can already tell this is gonna be a long and painful day
Me: I am leaving at 2:30, bitches!
Me: *big huge toothy smiley*
Me: I'll call you every half hour
Me: to see how you're doing
Jake: I hate you
Me: it must be opposite day
Me: because the truth is that you lurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrve me

Me: I wonder if the lead singer is still hot?
Me: he was hot in the Black Metallic video
Rappy: uh, he's freaking hot.
Rappy: I saw him in person.
Rappy: YOWZA
Rappy: right around the time that Adam & Eve came out.
Rappy: Which would have been...
Rappy: around 97/98?
Me: I should find a photo
Rappy: he couldn't have aged badly.
Me: PHOTO!
Rappy: oh, you mean you want me to find one?
Rappy: ok!
Rappy: http://www.popchild.com/issue_10/images/catherinepic1.gif
Me: he's got an intense face
Me: I want to smooch it
Rappy: aye

Me: how the hell does he manage to be in the Navy?
Rappy: I know! Those are like REQUIREMENTS!
Me: because most of them are hardcore boozers and sex fiends
Me: but he's like Mickey Mouse ...
Me: on South Park

Jakeishness

Jake: Backup:\Design and Development\CMS
Jake: could you open cms.xls please
Jake comes to my desk while I'm eating an apple
Jake: AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY
Jake: AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY
Jake: AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY
Me: hahahahaha
Jake: AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY
Jake: I have an urge to continue doing that for at least another hour
Me: I swear to god you are the weirdest person I know

Jake: feeling hyper now
Me: I'm feeling cognitive dissonance
Jake: ha
Me: I think I want to join a nunnery
Jake: HAHAHAHA
Me: it would make life so much easier in many ways
Jake: go to a brothel
Jake: Hmm...
Jake: Do they make whorehouses for women?
Jake: You need a dose of Gere in American Gigilo
Me: hmm
Jake: well
Me: I need to be less selective
Jake: Is it that you feel whorish but dont want to act on impulses?
Jake: Or do you act on impulse and wish to be nun like?
Me: hahahahaha
Jake: thus creating your lovely dissonance
Me: neither
Me: ugh
Me: I don't know
Me: my head hurts
Jake: So get friendly with a brick wall

Me: I just want to die right now
Me: I blame you
Jake: I know, I have that effect on people
Jake: Why do you want to die?
Me: I just do
Me: I don't know
Me: fuck the world
Me: and everyone in it
Me: *flips off everyone*
Jake: Hahahaha did we just switch roles or something?
Me: *sulks*
Jake: There's a lovely sense of freedom in it if you choose to see it
Jake: Mad at the world?
Jake: FUCK EM?!?
Jake: Fine
Jake: Then who gives a shit what you say or do anymore?
Jake: Because if you don't care about them
Jake: Who cares what they think of you?
Jake: Do whatever you want
Me: I should do that, totally
Me: I've never been that way before
Me: Ever
Jake: FUCK ALL AND SO BE IT
Me: I should do it at least once
Jake: We can do anything we want in this world
Jake: Even fly
Jake: But everything comes with its consequence
Jake: You can fly
Jake: But it only lasts a few seconds before you hit the pavement
Jake: But in those few precious moments, you do get what you want

The Jake Farewell Tour Begins

This first conversation ends with the most prescient statement I've ever made:

GI Joe: Are you just getting back from lunch?
Me: yep!
Me: I went home
Me: I only live 4 miles from the office
GI Joe: What'd you have?
Me: oh, brace yourself
Me: I had...
Me: fat free hot dogs!
Me: on whole wheat buns!
GI Joe: Oooooooooooooooooooooooh!
Me: *head-shaking smiley*
GI Joe: You're silly
Me: thrilling, don't you think?
GI Joe: I really like silly
Me: I'm a goofball
Me: I just wish I could be a professional goofball
Me: I need someone to pay me to BE me

***

Jake: god this day is dragging ass
Jake: I'm so miserable
Me: would you like a teeny tiny cinnamon graham cracker?
Jake: HELL NO
Jake: no thank you *smiley*
Jake: march 31st will be my last day
Me: *wails*
Me: I guess I have to change my site
Jake: hahahaha
Me: I'm going to cling to your leg as you walk out the door
Me: I'm going to make the biggest scene possible
Jake: hahahahaha
Jake: it makes so much sense for me to put a weblog out there
Jake: why the hell am I so lazy?
Me: because you're an asshole!
Me: *smiley*
Jake: *smiley*
Jake: that's the spirit!
Me: *cling*
Me: you can't leave, Jake!
Me: who will be bitter for me?
Me: who will put a cynical spin on my every happy moment?
Jake: hahahah
Jake: in the end
Jake: there can be only one
Jake: I have taught you well
Jake: go now
Jake: into the world
Jake: and spread the misery
Me: *cries softly*

***

Me: aww, someone left a sweet comment on me site
Jake: You and your deceitful ways
Jake: Talking of happiness
Jake: and the "GOOD" life
Jake: I shall expose you for the demon you are
Jake: THE WORLD IS A COLD PLACE
Jake: people must know the truth
Jake: NOTHING MATTERS
Jake: NONE OF IT
Jake: NOTHING WE DO
Jake: In a million years the sun is going to burn out anyway and nothing will be remembered
Jake: nothing will matter
Jake: SAY IT
Jake: *smiley*
Jake: tell them
Jake hacks so loudly I can hear it from my desk, 30 feet away
Jake: fucking cough
Jake: see what you've done to me
Me: *snort*
Jake: you and your god
Me: Jake, I am going to miss you so much
Me: it makes me sad to think about it
Me: but stop hacking, idiot-boy
Jake: I just spit in my garbage can
Jake: How's that for a lovely picture?
Me: I feel so special now
Me: you've ruined a lovely moment!
Jake: Yeah, I'm good at that

Totem Pole

I still feel like hot death on a stick, but Rappy is trying to perk me up by providing scintillating conversation:

Rappy: I know the loss of added benefits might suck, but I suggest the band aid approach.
Me: but this is how guys do it!
Me: I guess I always have my arranged marriage with Totem to fall back on
Rappy: heh
Rappy: I should probably mention that to him...
Me: what? he's cheating on me?!?
Rappy: no!
Rappy: he just doesn't know he shouldn't be!
Me: haha
Me: is Totem a playah?
Rappy: No
Me: Totem is probably King Godly Stud and you just don't talk about it
Me: I should post this on your site
Me: in a comment
Me: because then he will see it
Rappy: true!
Me: *coding*
Rappy: NO!
Rappy: put it on yours. Expose it to the masses
Me: but HE won't see it
Rappy: I'll tell him about it
Me: oh all right
Me: done
Rappy: remind me tomorrow to tell him
Me: call him NOW
Me: get his ass out of bed for it
Rappy: nah
Rappy: he works hard.
Me: he was supposed to send me cookies
Me: he works hard doing what?
Rappy: OH!
Me: dude, the cookies are our BOND
Rappy: he's in school 5 days a week, and works evenings 5 nights a week, and then volunteers at the Oncology wing of the hospital in Tel Aviv
Rappy: on Fridays
Me: he DOES?
Me: *swoon*
Rappy: it's part of his scholarship fulfillment
Me: oh
Me: *revokes swoon*
Rappy: but he could have gone anywhere!
Rappy: he chose this

What I Love About ... Rappy

One thing I love about Rappy is that her online nickname has pretty much made her real name superfluous. More so than anyone else I know, I have to consciously think about using her real name during the appropriate times. She is Rappy. The very embodiment thereof.

More seriously, though, there are many things I love about Rappy. She's all of the major things I look for in a friend - caring, funny, and intellectually curious - but she's also so much more.

I love how Rappy can be sympathetic without it coming across as patronizing. There was a moment recently when I was telling her about something sad I was dealing with, and she said "That must be difficult for you." She didn't try to minimize the issue; nor did she try to give me one of those fake-happy "everything will be okay" speeches. She just acknowledged what I was feeling, and that she recognized that it was something unpleasant for me.

Rappy is one of those friends who is willing to go to battle for the people she's close to. She reminds me of a scene from a Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode, where Riley, Buffy's ex-boyfriend, comes back to town with his new wife. Buffy and Willow have this conversation right after Willow meets Riley's wife:

Rappy would never really hate someone just because I don't like them (she's too independent for that), but she'd definitely hypothetically hate them right along with me. Which is something good friends do for each other.

Rappy gives very good advice, but doesn't get bugged if I don't take it. And she doesn't say "I told you so" later when it turns out she was right all along. She commiserates with me when I'm annoyed, and celebrates with me when I'm happy. She's a very good listener. She's always willing to help me when I ask. I count on her a lot during Big Brother season to think of new and interesting ideas for the HT site.

The superficial quality I envy most in Rappy is her talent for photography. She has an amazing eye for detail, and I'm very proud of her that she's taking a class in order to further her natural gift. I'm sure I'll be buying many of her photos in the future.

Rappy never gets annoyed when I go to her for "Jewish stuff" (much like how I go to Roo for "Catholic stuff") and even exposes me to Hebrew songs and other cultural things that she thinks I'd be interested in.

Rappy is one of the most thoughtful friends I have, and this is best shown in the gift she gave me for Christmas 2003. She knew I liked the work of a photographer named Noah Grey. She also knows my affinity for photos of roads and highways. So she bought an autographed print of this photo and had it beautifully matted and framed. It is one of the most perfect-for-me gifts I've ever received from anyone.

I don't get to talk to her as much now that she's living in Israel, and I've lost my Alias-watching buddy, which is sad (I enjoy that show much more when watching it along with someone else). But for years now (wow, has it really been years?), Rappy has kept me company while I'm at work ... my sanity thanks her.

Last but not least, I hope very much that Rappy will be able to join me on my trip to Ireland. I am so excited to finally be going this year, and I can't think of anyone I'd rather have right alongside me, sharing in all of the sights, sounds and cute boys I have every intention of enjoying.

*smiff*

Dublin Is for Whoring

Me: I'm reading the catalog I got from Tourism Ireland
Rappy: anything interesting?
Me: http://www.dublintourist.com/Info.cgi/dracula001.shtml
Me: we should go see that!
Me: I think I'm going to spend this weekend lounging around the house and doing Ireland research and junk
Me: and never changing out of my pajamas
Rappy: that sounds oddly familiar
Me: I love how in Europe it's called "car hire" instead of "car rental"
Rappy: and then there's takeaway
Me: what's that?
Rappy: take out
Me: oohhhh
Rappy: and putting things in the "boot"
Rappy: which sounds kinky, but isn't
Me: get your hands out of me boot!
Rappy: well, naturally! That might hurt!
Me: ooh, Dublin has a ZOO!!!
Rappy: Julie, do you really need to fly across an ocean to see a zoo?
Me: *jumps up and down excitedly*
Me: but they have snow leopards
Me: and ring-tailed lemurs!
Rappy: ok, I think our day in Dublin will have to be spent separately.
Rappy: I'm more interested in the shopping and architecture
Me: I'm more interested in the eating and whoring
Rappy: ooh, forgot about the whoring
Me: can't forget the whoring!

What I Love About ... Lynn

I'm going to start a new thing for Mondays. It'll be a nice, happy way to start the hellishness of the work week.

Each Monday I will wax poetic about one of my friends, and why I love them so much. Some entries are bound to be shorter than others (heh). I'm going to kick this off by writing about my friend Lynn, since I meant to do so over the weekend.

Lynn was a lurker on Hamster Time. She sent me an e-mail one day to comment on something I had written on this site, about my experience having had cancer. Essentially, she knew exactly how I felt; reading her words, I knew exactly how she felt, too. She told me about her own struggle with the disease, and we began to correspond regularly.

Lynn is, quite simply, the strongest person I know. It would be enough just to have cancer. But Lynn also has had to deal with the death of her beloved 18-month old granddaughter; I suspect her own grief has been in part set aside in order to help her daughter mourn the loss of the child. Three other people very close to Lynn suffer from chronic, potentially life-threatening illnesses.

It is more than one person should be asked to bear, but Lynn isn't the first person to have more than their share of heartache. Many have before, and many will after. What makes Lynn so special is that she is, despite all of this, an unfailingly hopeful person. It's not an understatement to say that I have learned so much more about life, and how best to live it, from her than I have from anyone else in recent memory. The experiences of her life that she's shared with me are both inspiring and humbling.

Knowing her makes me want to make something special of my own life, and that is the kind of inspiration that lives with a person forever.

Lynn is someone that I know will always have my best interests at heart. When I ask her for advice, she gives me her opinion honestly (which I value so much) yet doesn't expect me to change my beliefs to fit her own. She just offers her take on a situation, without expectation.

There have been times when I really didn't know if the things I was doing were beneficial, because they were difficult. Lynn is always there to encourage me to try and do what is best for myself, even if it might be painful in the short term. Whenever I question a situation, or doubt my own actions, she always helps me reconnect with the idea that more often than not you have to ask for what you want, and what you deserve, and not be willing to accept less.

Every time she tells me stories about her life, I tell her that she should write them down, because they'd make a wonderful book. She says she doesn't write well enough to do that, but she's wrong. I hope she changes her mind about this someday, because she has so many things to share that would speak to people in a meaningful way.

I posted Lynn's message this weekend because she asked me to, but I will admit that it made me feel very good to know that someone I respect and value so much thinks that highly of me. But as much as Lynn seems to think I've added to her life, she has added so much more to mine. She's the wise older sister I never had, and a person that I can rely on, always, to help me see things from new perspectives.

Lynn has given me acceptance, support and wisdom; she is in all aspects a wonderful friend, and I am truly the better for having known her.

The Strongest Person I Know

My dear, sweet friend Lynn has asked me to post this for her. And to say I'm humbled by her words would be an understatement.

I've got to run down to Largo for Alex's football game, but tonight I'm going to better introduce you to Lynn. She is an extraordinary person.

Like Alabaster Sky

I had to rescue this poem from the unreliable archives of my Diaryland site. Can't lose one of my finest pieces of writing (originally published on May 21, 2003):

Kids and Stuff

Me:

Greetings from Bagram Airfield, Afghanistan. On behalf of all of us here, I would like to thank you for your care package received today. We are very grateful to you for your generosity. The DVD you sent us will become part of our Camp DVD library. It is people like you who in their generosity make it so evident that we live in the greatest nation in the world. We are proud to serve you, to protect your way of life, and to ensure the hope of a better day tomorrow. I will be posting your letter on the bulletin board so others can respond to your letter.

Me: very kind
Me: I will write him back!
Rappy: damn - that is very nicely written!
Me: yeah, as a chief warrant officer he has to be older
Me: late 20s, early 30s at least
Rappy: god, do you remember Vince Brooks? Good times.
Me: a lot of the contacts are obviously very young because they WRITE LIKE THIS IN THEIR WHOLE POST and they talk to u like dat
Rappy: heh
Me: Vince Brooks? no.
Me: oh!
Me: wait!
Me: the hot black army general?
Rappy: he was the hot General
Rappy: yes!
Me: brief me, baby!
Rappy: you'd like that!
Me: I would not turn that down
Rappy: hey, did I tell you about my paycheck?
Me: no. is it a special paycheck? a MAGICAL paycheck?
Rappy: it was magic all right.
Rappy: I'm putting aside 2000NIS of it towards our trip
Rappy: which should cover the flight.
Me: COOL!
Me: You will like Trina
Rappy: yay!
Me: Actually you and Trina are a lot alike. you'll probably hit it off and not speak to me.
Me: I'll be forced to pick up random Irish boys
Rappy: heh. We're already not speaking to you!
Me: *wail*
Rappy: speaking of Irish boys. What's happening with yours?
Me: well, it's kind of odd
Me: I mean, I'm happy with the way things are
Me: and he seems to be too, for now
Me: but I think eventually he'll break up with me
Rappy: because?
Me: because I don't want a super serious relationship
Me: i.e. marriage
Me: I love the relationship I have with him right now
Me: I don't think I'll ever want to get married, to be honest
Me: maybe I just haven't met the "right" person
Rappy: what about kids?
Me: I'm not feeling the maternal urge as of yet
Me: if I do, I think I would rather adopt
Me: as you know, my genetic material is already fucked up
Me: why pass it on?
Rappy: right.
Rappy: and there are so many kids needing a good home
Me: besides ... exactly
Me: I don't think I'd even want to adopt an infant
Rappy: how are your ribbies doing?
Me: I'd want to adopt, say, a six year old
Rappy: older kids are so much harder to place
Me: they're doing pretty good, I can breathe/laugh/cough without too much discomfort
Me: I think I'd like being a mom to an older kid
Me: I've never been a big BAAAAAAAAAAABIES person
Me: they're fine, but I'm not enthralled with them
Rappy: heh. I thought it was just me.
Me: heck no, man. I have a married friend who absolutely does not want to have children ever.
Me: she doesn't like kids, period
Rappy: And a 6 year old is so much better for a couple of reasons: first, you sleep through the night. Second, you can leave them to their own devices for the most part
Me: well, what it comes down to, for me, is this - I don't want to give up my life to have a child
Me: and if you have an infant, you must do that
Rappy: I don't want to say "never" to having kids, but I *really* don't want them
Me: babies take over your life 24/7
Rappy: exactly.
Me: I'm too selfish to undertake something like that
Rappy: I keep finding more and more reasons not to have them.
Me: it's not for everyone, and I think it's perfectly fine as long as you know that about yourself
Rappy: starting with those tractor sized baby "carriages". I especially appreciate those when I get stuck behind one on the bus
Me: I'm not saying I'll never have kids, either, but it's not something I yearn for right now
Me: not at all
Me: maybe I never will, who knows?
Rappy: the idea of not being able to pick up and go anywhere I want to is reason enough not to have them
Me: that's also reason enough not to get married
Rappy: depends on who you're marrying
Me: true
Me: I'm very much for long term monogamous relationships
Me: but I think there's a 50% divorce rate for a reason
Me: people simply grow apart
Me: I'm not the same person at 34 as I was at 24
Me: it would have been a tossup as to whether or not my boyfriend at 24 would still be compatible with the 34 year old me
Me: know what I mean?
Me: I'm just saying that life is an unending process of growth
Me: and all you can really do is hope the person you're with - if you're with someone - grows in a way compatible with you
Rappy: right
Me: I think that's true of any kind of relationship - romantic, friend, whatever
Me: when it stops working for one or both people, it ends
Rappy: I can't imagine what I have with any of my friends pre-2000
Rappy: My personality and interests totally changed around that time. Even later, actually.
Me: have you ever reconnected with someone from your past?
Me: that you haven't seen or talked to for years?
Rappy: with a couple of friends, and I'm very loosely in touch with them.
Me: I have too, and in many cases it's just jarring how little we have in common now
Rappy: When I did the walkathon for Lisa I went out with a bunch of people afterwards, and could find literally nothing in common with them
Me: we have shared memories, but they're such different people now that I wouldn't even choose them as friends
Me: I guess my thing with romantic relationships is that I don't know that it's possible for someone to (and this sounds bad) hold my interest for the rest of my life

Happy Birthday, Cap'n!

Teem: greetings, infidel!
Me: it's the birthday wench!!
Teem: tis I, the scourge of the birthday cake!

Jumping the Bones

Phil is a friend of mine from way, way back. Back in the 90s, during the heyday of the alt.music.tragically-hip newsgroup. He was popular; I was more popular. He was loved; I was beloved. So of course, we had to become friends.

I'd lost track of him for a few years, but then he reappeared mysteriously, like ... a rash. Or some sort of virus. But a welcome virus. ANYWAY, Phil is both a Harvard man and a U.S. Army veteran. How's that for an anachronism?

Me: I?
Me: AM BACK
Phil: Woooo Hoooo!
Me: *hopscotches through IM*
Phil: I'm complete
Me: I complete you?
Phil: You do
Me: I have to rant about that movie on my site at some point
Me: especially that line
Phil: total pick up line
Me: I hate that line
Phil: Because it's worked on you too many times?
Me: riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight
Me: no, because I'm a complete person all by myself
Phil: You go girl!
Me: the implication of "you complete me" is that you were somehow incomplete before
Me: which is bollocks

Me: I'm going to ask Cindy if she thinks Suckface is hot ... hold on
Phil: Is Cindy hot?
Me: okay, her reaction to the photo I showed her was
Me: "He looks sick."
Me: so fine! I'm in the minority.
Phil: Ha!
Phil: Take that!
Phil: He's a suckface
Phil: A freaky suckface

Me: I'll have to make you my next Celebrity Crush
Phil: LOL
Phil: Nah
Me: and then people can refer to you as "Suckface"
Phil: Won't happen
Phil: I eat too many Krispy Kreme donuts to be a suckface, and I also don't do heroin

Me: Okay, this is why Shakespeare ROCKS
Me: there's a scene in the movie Titus where Aaron and the two Goth princes are talking about how to woo Titus' daughter Livinia
Me: both of the princes want her and are arguing about who should have her
Me: so they're quarreling, and Aaron says:
Why, then, it seems, some certain snatch or so
Would serve your turns.
Me: SNATCH
Phil: That Aaron.
Phil: Such an urban contemporary rebel
Me: I died laughing in the movie, because I thought it was added dialogue
Me: but it's not, it's right here in the text
Me:
DEMETRIUS
Aaron, thou hast hit it.
AARON
Would you had hit it too!
Me: hahahahaha
Me: Shakespeare, king of slang
Phil: Sounds like something done by JayZ
Phil: Or some other rapper.
Me: doesn't it, though?
Me: this was written in 1593
Me: <-- amazed
Phil: Love it
Me: everytime I see your screenname I internally say
Me: WHO'S YOUR DADDY?!?
Phil: That's right
Phil: I'm your daddy
Phil: Your literary daddy

Phil: Man, my French is getting sloppy
Me: que?
Me: no wait, that's Spanish
Phil: I'm talking with one of my friends in Quebec and I'm trying to be cool, speaking in French. Instead I sound like Willie the Kid on the School Bus that Wears a Helmet and Licks the Windows.

Thy Will Be Done

This is why I love Teem:

Teem: two nights ago I dreamed about God
Teem: he was throwing a frisbee
Me: at you?
Teem: no, at some dead person

30 Going On 13 (Part II)

Forgive the lateness of these updates on Roo's Birthday Weekend – Clover is going home for Thanksgiving and leaving on Wednesday, so I've been devoting my evening hours to hanging out with him.

I forgot to mention one of the coolest things at Roo's office - they have a countertop Coke fountain! The kind that mixes the actual Coke syrup with carbonated water. Best Coke I've ever had. Oh, and in other beverage news - the waiter at the Vortex, while cute and sassy, gave me a bit of the stink-eye when I ordered unsweetened iced tea.

The theme song for my visit was the new Kelly Clarkson song, which I don't know the name of, but it's the angry one where she tells someone to "shut up." We heard it approximately 1.5 million times over the course of the weekend.

SATURDAY: Roo's pilot light had gone out the day before, and one of her neighbors relit it for her ... but he apparently didn't turn some knob to ON, which meant that on Saturday morning there was no hot water available for showers. None. So Roo packed up me and Teem and took us over to Wendy's house to use the facilities there.

Wendy's house? Gorgeous. Wendy's daughter? Adorable. ("Bump, bump, bump it up!")

Lara and Roo managed showers in lukewarm water at the apartment (Roo had fiddled with the ON knob before we went over to Wendy's house). So after everyone got ready, we headed out to Lenox Square Mall. First stop was lunch at California Pizza Kitchen, where we were waited on by Enrique Iglesias. The four of us shared two appetizers (hummus and cheese foccacia) and each got a different pizza - Sante Fe Chicken (Roo), Tostada (Teem), Pear and Gorgonzola (Lara), Roasted Garlic Chicken (me). So freaking good, all of it. Teem, Lara and I all swapped pieces, and I think I liked Lara's pizza the best. Mmmm, gorgonzola.

Then we did the Massive Shopping Spree. We went to Urban Outfitters and bought pirate shirts (Teem, of course), scarves (Lara), lip balm (me), and t-shirts for our brother (Roo). Then we headed into Coach to look at the pretty, pretty purses, which made me seriously regret not having Lara order me one with her employee discount (she ordered two for Teem, and they're both gorgeous). We also hit Sephora, which was way too crowded and none of us actually bought anything. Which is shocking.

Damn, were those the only two stores we went to? I can't remember going anywhere else in that mall other than Bloomingdales, where all four of us got makeovers done at the Benefit counter. I didn't buy anything, but everyone else did. Instead of makeup I bought a DKNY Be Delicious ("Be! Delicious! Be Be Delicious!") gift set containing the perfume and a body lotion.

Oh yeah, we stopped at The Body Shop on the way out. Teem was the only purchaser there. In fact, I bought very little during this trip, which was odd (but good).

Originally we were going to go home and change for the Saturday night cookout at Roo's brother's house, but then we decided we didn't need to because we were going to go to Old Navy and buy festive stuff there. So go there we did. Actually we first ran through DSW (Designer Shoe Warehouse), bought nothing, and THEN went to Old Navy. I bought a t-shirt and a pretty scarf - black knit with gold threads woven through it.

And then we drove to Woodstock for the cookout. It was much fun meeting Roo's family – her dad is very sweet, and her sister-in-law is adorable (and very welcoming). Roo's brother is 18 feet tall and also very nice. We ate burgers, brats and birthday cake. We looked at wedding photos and played with the dogs. Roo's brother measured all the girls' heights (I think Teem and I were the tallest). Roo was gifted with Tivo, so now her life will be revolutionized just like everyone else's has been.

The cookout broke up around 1 a.m. and on the way home we stopped at Walgreens to pick up some stuff. Lara waited in the car (she was driving) while the three of us went in. I bought grape soda (Walgreens brand, which was kinda nasty) and body wash. We exited Walgreens walking like Egyptians in order to amuse Lara, but Lara was digging for something in her purse and wasn't looking. Teem Egyptianed all the way into the middle of the parking lot, to no avail.

I think I fell asleep around 3 a.m. You know how you can sometimes get slap happy and silly when you're exhausted? That was me and Teem around 2:30. We started making up new lyrics to that abysmal Nickelback song that we hate (sample lines: "I like your pants around my neck. I like the way you look at me, when you're hanging from that tree.") and singing the other theme song for the weekend - "Fly away, lesbian seeeeeeeagull."

30 Going On 13 (Part I)

Hmm. Where to begin describing my Weekend at Roo's? I guess I will break it down by days, but let me first say that I had a FANTASTIC time – it was wonderful to see Roo and Teem again, and meeting Roo's family and friends was great. It was a whirlwind weekend filled with food, fun and frivolity (and very little sleep), and I am very happy that I could share Roo's birthday weekend in such great company.

Oh, and the phrase for the weekend was: "It's not a party until someone says penis."

FRIDAY – I flew to Atlanta at 10 a.m. I was sitting diagonally behind a guy who looked like the twin brother of Glen Phillips (Toad the Wet Sprocket lead singer), so I stared at him for the entire hour of the flight. Which was great, because Glen Phillips is really cute.

I got in at 11:30; Roo arrived shortly thereafter and we did the slow-motion run into each other's arms for hugging and squealing. Teem waltzed into the baggage claim and we did the whole slow-motion running-hugging-squealing thing again.

Roo chauffered us back to her apartment in style (aka her friend Wendy's SUV) and then gave us the grand tour. Her apartment is super cute - outrageously high ceilings, hardwood floors, tons of character. Her living room is shaped kind of like a hexagon, and her bathroom is pink. Love.

And then I met Timber for the first time. Timber is a li'l sausage of an orange striped kitty and she is undeniably adorable and friendly. Teem and I called her "Tim-MAAAY" (ala South Park) all weekend long.

By this time we were starving, so we walked across the street to The Vortex for lunch – into the skull! The Vortex promises the best hamburgers in Atlanta, and they were pretty damn good. I had a bacon cheddar cheeseburger and TATER TOTS. Our waiter was very sassy and cute.

We walked around Little 5 Points for a bit, and stopped in at Cherry Bomb, a little boutique where Wendy works. Then it was off to Roo's office downtown. We walked in and there were two people at the front desk, who gave Roo an "uh oh why are you here?" look. Roo then dragged me and Teem upstairs so we could meet her fabulous boss ... who insisted that she give us a tour of the upstairs, including the conference room. The conference room? Is someone stalling so we won't go downstairs and see Roo's office yet?

Stall, stall, stall.

We go downstairs and there's a trail of streamers and confetti leading into Roo's office. Her coworkers decorated her desk/office with party favors and streamers and birthday signs, and once Roo walked in they jumped up from behind a partition and yelled "Surprise!" Very fun, and they seem like a very nice group of people who obviously care about Roo a lot.

We left the office and headed to Perimeter Mall, getting stuck in the hellacious Atlanta traffic. We first stopped at Nordstrom, where we perused the perfume section before heading to the Stila counter. Roo sat down with Vince to get her makeup done; Teem and I wandered over to look at the sale rack of shoes. Then Teem went back and started having HER makeup done at the counter. I wasn't interested, so I ran upstairs to look at clothes.

I came back down to check in on them and the third makeup artist convinced me to sit down with him (mainly by offering me "a little slap and tickle"). His name was Christopher, and he was gay. I somehow always manage to get the gay male makeup artists. So while he was working on me we chatted about his shoe habit, his partner, his travels to Europe for shopping, where he grew up (Malibu), what we were like as teenagers (weirdly dressed freaks), tattooes, body piercings, Roo's birthday, restaurants, gay strip clubs, and getting your lips around things. Ahem.

Then we wandered the mall a little bit so Roo could find and buy black pants. A mission she accomplished. On the way out Teem and I bought Orange Juliuses. Mmm, Orange Juliuses. Then we drove out to the Choi studio so Roo could show us where she spends an inordinant amount of time, and so we could see the little kiddies taking their martial arts class (that Roo normally teaches). We met Margaret, the owner of the school, and she gave Roo a li'l gift and card.

Then we drove back to the apartment to get fancied up for dinner at a local trattoria called Il Localino.

Il Localino was one of the highlights of the weekend. It's a small place, but packed with people and there's this great familial atmosphere going. We walked in and they were playing "YMCA" on the sound system. We were seated and the owner, Papa Giovanni, came over to make small talk with Roo. He asked it if was a special occasion (we were all dressed up nicely) and as Roo said, "No!" I blurted out "YES! It's her birthday!" Muahahahaha.

Papa Giovanni put a sailor's hat on Roo and then made a big deal in telling our waiter that it was Roo's birthday, much to her chagrin. We ordered wine (reisling for me and Teem, merlot for Roo) and snacked on bread with olive oil dipping sauce, fresh parmesan, and olives. It was wonderful.

Our dinners arrived in less than 10 minutes (I had chicken piccata), making both Teem and I cringe a little bit because we knew we had to keep Roo out at dinner until at least 9 p.m., and it was only 8. Wendy and her crew were setting up for the surprise party over at Roo's apartment, and our job was to keep Roo out long enough to give her time to decorate and for the guests to arrive.

So Teem and I ate verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry slowly. This place was so efficient (refilling water, removing cleaned plates) that it was like they were able to anticipate your every need/want before you even had it. It was amazing.

Papa Giovanni put another hat (a tricolor with a feather on it) on Roo, and at some point a waiter came over to give her a hug. She was the woman of the hour at this place; Teem and I got no love. Our waiter brought out a slice of tiramisu with a candle in it, then led the waiters and patrons in a rousing chorus of "Happy Birthday" for Roo.

At some point the man in the booth behind us got up and started dancing in the aisle to Barry White's "Can't Get Enough of Your Love" while his wife/girlfriend watched with a look of bemusement on her face. He was dancing and talking to us, and it was really funny. I'm always amazed by people who are so un-selfconscious that they can do things that might make them look silly, and they don't seem to care. This guy was in the moment, feeling the music, and so he danced. I only wish, in retrospect, I had taken him up on his offer to dance with him.

We needed to kill more time, so we ordered dessert. Teem had cannoli; I had chocolate cake with raspberry sauce. All very good. Papa Giovanni had the waiter bring each of us a red rose, which was sweet.

We paid the rilly big check and got up to leave; there were mints at the door, so Teem and Roo both took one. Roo also grabbed the box of Stila lip glaze that was sitting beside the mints, which coincidentally happened to be the lip glaze that she had thought she lost in the car. She must have dropped it between the car and the restaurant, and the person who picked it up brought it in and laid it on the counter. Which she just happened to pass. It was really kind of bizarre.

So then, FINALLY, we were able to return to the apartment. Teem dialed Wendy's cell phone from the back seat of the car (just letting it ring, not talking) so they'd know we were on our way. Roo walked in and was "Surprise!"d for the second time in one day. She claims to have known something was up, but Teem and I are good enough liars that she wasn't exactly sure what might have been planned.

I don't remember a whole lot about the party because I was all liquored up. Roo's friends are all very nice, though, and Wendy did a great job planning everything. I did learn how Wendy convinced her husband to groom his pubic hair, which was neat (the way she convinced him, not his pubes - well, until afterwards). Her husband was so good-natured about the conversation regarding his genitals, too. That's a special guy right there.

Another surprise for Roo was that her friend Lara was arriving on Friday night, rather than Saturday as she had said. But poor Lara got stuck in traffic for over four hours and didn't end up getting to the apartment until close to midnight. But Roo was VERY excited to see her, so that was nice. It was funny because several times throughout the night Roo said that she thought Lara was going to be there at the party, but she guessed she really wasn't coming in until Saturday. To which everyone else silently said, "Heh heh heh."

The party broke up ... well, late. I don't remember the time, I just know I was wiped out. Teem took the couch and I slept on the air mattress. Roo and Lara stayed up talking for awhile in the bedroom, but I'm pretty sure I was asleep within about 60 seconds of my head hitting the pillow.

Saturday/Sunday to follow (sometime).

Insert Name Here

This space soon to be filled with spine-tingling tales from my lost weekend in Atlanta.

Shadkhanit!Rappy

Rappy: omg, my brother is baking something clearly descended from the heavens.
Me: your brother sounds like a catch, yo
Rappy: he totally is!
Rappy: and he thanks you for saying that.
Me: I want a guy who will bake for me, dammit
Rappy: hey, Totem just went down to my cafe, and he likes it! Approval!
Me: you didn't tell him I called him Totem, did you?
Rappy: sure I did
Me: oh lord
Rappy: I've started calling him that myself.
Me: my dorkness reaches across the Atlantic!
Rappy: ok, he just squeezed an orange for me.
Rappy: I mean to drink, not just to cop a feel
Me: can I marry him?
Me: wait, how old is he?
Rappy: he says yes
Me: this will require conversion and a change of address, won't it?
Rappy: he'd like you to know, however, that he doesn't clean under any circumstance.

Me: we'll have to hire someone, in that case, because I refuse to mop floors
Me: I'm not against vacuuming, though
Rappy: he is against vacuuming at particular times, including Friday morning.
Me: I'm laughing, now
Me: arranged marriage! perfect!
Rappy: I think so!
Rappy: And then we'd be sisters in law!
Me: yes, could you stand it?
Rappy: I don't think I could
Me: and you haven't yet confirmed I'd have to move/convert, and oh by the way, is Totem of legal age?
Rappy: 27
Rappy: his response to conversion was "fuck, no"
Me: woo hoo!
Me: I will embrace the shiksa within
Rappy: totem actually giggled about that
Me: I think I'm in love with Zach from Veiled Conceit, though
Rappy: heh
Me: you can understand why I'm in love with Zach
Rappy: you!
Rappy: are cheating on my brother!
Me: no, I'm cheating on Ian with your brother and cheating on ... wait
Me: I'm double cheating on Ian?
Rappy: I think so
Me: But Ian doesn't bake!
Rappy: hussy
Me: Clearly Ian needs to acquire that skill.
Me: Can Totem kill people if necessary?
Rappy: well, given that his basic training consisted of counting forks, I don't know, but he can operate a nuclear sub.
Me: So he can't kill people for me, but he could whisk me away to safety in a nuclear-powered submarine?
Me: that'll do
Rappy: he can FIRE the nuclear weapon
Me: oh, he can't drive?
Me: I guess I'll drive
Me: but he has to ask for directions!
Rappy: He can drive cars AND submarines, and as the submarine navigator, I'm fairly certain he could find his way around
Me: I might need proof
Me: have him draw me a map
Rappy: In Israel everyone on the subs learns all the jobs
Rappy: dude, he scored 4 points under the maximum in his SAT equivalents here. I think he's good
Me: ohhhhhh, he's smart AND good in the kitchen
Me: now I really AM interested

None Of That

Reverential

This morning I had a terrific conversation with Roo about Communion, and how it has a different significance for Catholics vs. Protestants. I remember when I was a kid and went to church with my grandmother, we would sometimes be treated to the whole "wafers and grape juice" thing (although sometimes the wafers were replaced with croutons, which was better, because the wafers were basically thin round discs of styrofoam).

Gramma was/is a Methodist, and I never fully understood the significance of the "thing," just that it was kind of cool to waltz up to the altar and open your mouth, stick out your tongue, and have the wafer placed upon it. Then you furled (the opposite of "unfurled") your tongue back in and savored the Spongy Disc of Tastelessness, albeit only briefly, before shotgunning the little plastic glass of grape juice. Good times, good times.

Anyway, Roo explained it all and cleared up my heathen-based beliefs, which included the notion that if I attempted to take Communion at a Catholic church that the priest would scream at me the way the pod people scream at humans in Invasion of the Body Snatchers, since he would be able to tell on sight that I'm not a Catholic and was trying to take Communion illegally (as it were). But Roo assured me that would never be the case, because the priest would at least offer me a blessing instead. Good to know!

Then I asked her a bunch of lame stuff and she got sick of my constant, unending questioning - I believe the phrase "Would you just SHUT UP already?!?" was thrown around - and she directed me to a website where I learned the difference between "Cafeteria Catholics" and "Lukewarm Catholics," and that I should "Beware the Freemasons!" And then I decided to test my new-found knowledge:

Roo: are you sitting there reading that whole thing? Hee
Me: the concernedcatholics.org site?
Roo: yeah
Me: I'm taking the Catholic IQ Test
Me: this should be amusing
Me: I got the first one right!
Me: *struts*
Roo: yay for you! I should take it and see how I do
Me: http://www.concernedcatholics.org/iq-test.htm
Roo: heh. I missed 2
Roo: I mean two questions
Me: heh, I got the question "What is Purgatory?" right
Me: good for me
Roo: good job!
Me: "YES!! You are so smart!"
Roo: is that what it says?
Me: on the rare occasion I answer correctly, yes
Roo: hahaha
Me: I got BOTH questions about the Holy Spirit correct
Me: and I know what Original Sin is
Me: wow, God waited until the fifth commandment to tell people not to kill?
Me:
Your Catholic IQ score is: 64%.
Questions answered correctly first time: 14/30
Me: that was draining
Roo: that's not bad!

Incidentally, I was lying - which is not a mortal sin! See, I learned something! - about Roo shutting me down when I asked questions. She was extremely gracious and patient in explaining different concepts to me, which is why I really enjoy talking to her about these things.

Spitting Games

Me: *sigh*
Roo: what?
Me: this song makes me feel melancholy
Me: *skips it*
Me: because this is a melancholy-free day!
Roo: oh boy
Roo: did you have morning sex?
Me: *shocked face*
Me: why would you ask such a thing?
Roo: because you are in an EXTRAORDINARILY good mood
Me: can't one just be in a really good mood?
Me: *halo smiley*
Roo: hee
Me: I did have a good morning, yes
Me: I feel like ... a pinball
Roo: eww!
Me: huh?
Me: bouncing off everything, not staying still
Roo: Oh. sorry...I thought that was a sex euphemism
Me: eww!
Me: no!
Roo: I was imagining that little thing that pulls back and hits the ball!
Me: EWW!
Me: STOP!
Roo: well!

And then later on, just when you think it's safe to go back into the water...

Roo: don't you love it when you go to drink something and instead just pour it down your face? yeah.
Me: I do love that, actually
Me: It reminds me that I am, in essence, a colossal dork
Me: But a loveable, well-meaning one
Roo: ah...well I never need reminding of my own dorkiness
Me: embrace the dork within, that's my motto
Me: (and not the "fork" within, as I first typed)
Roo: sadly, though...my dork is not within, but definitely out
Me: hahahaha
Me: embrace the dork without!

It wouldn't be a Friends entry without some mention of Teem!

Me: I'm going to kill myself or someone like me if Hollywood Video doesn't get "Dawn of the Dead" in stock soon
Rappy: is there no other video store?
Me: no other I have a membership with
Me: HAHAHAHA
Me: Teem rocks
Me: she commented on my site
Rappy: HA!
Rappy: she's insane.
Me: HA!
Me: She's my idol
Rappy: *pouts*
Rappy: I wanna be your idol *WHINE*
Me: You're my idol too
Me: I have a tripartite system of idolatry
Me: You, Teem and Roo
Me: Kinda like ...
Me: Father, Son, Holy Ghost
Me: only not literally
Me: not even figuratively
Me: Since you're, you know, Jewish and stuff

I freely admit that I actually stealered this idea from someone else. So the first one to market wins.

Me: Jake-y Jake-y Jake-yyyyyyyyyyyy
Me: I made you out of clay!
Jake: I'm thinking big posters with that on it... followed by my cell number... plastered all over the city
Me: I can't get behind violence against squirrels, sorry
Jake: hahaha
Me: I already know what my big money-making enterprise will be
Jake: assassin?
Me: Christian strip clubs
Me: Strippin' for Jesus
Jake: ahahahahahahahahahaha
Me: I'm totally serious
Jake: pure genius
Me: I could become a billionaire, easily
Me: Strippers gyrating 'round poles with hymns playing in the background
Me: Or stripping to audio of sermons by Jerry Falwell
Jake: hahhhaahahhaah
Me: Every table has a Bible
Me: and a collection plate
Jake: hahahaha brilliance
Me: Instead of "lap dances" we have "communion cuddles"
Jake: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Me: Where the stripper feeds the guy a wafer (the body of christ) and a small thimble full of wine (the blood)
Me: I've thought about this, and I think it can work
Jake: hahahahaha billionaire
Me: of course, I will likely be killed by right wing zealots
Me: It's all for the man upstairs
Me: and therefore, pure
Me: Jesus wants you to love your body
Me: or hers
Me: just from afar

A blank canvas, an unmolded lump of clay, and an empty vessel.

Me: to quote Gertrude Stein - "there's no THERE, there"
Roo: exactly

Troika

HWG: HELLO
Rappy: is soup some sort of euphemism?
HWG: I LOVE YOU
Rappy: I always spell that word wrong
HWG: why yes, it might be
HWG: a euphemism for ...
HWG: gettin' it ON
Rappy: I want to sing, but I don't know the words...
Rappy: roo is ignoring us!
HWG: she's so mean
HWG: this chat is laggy
HWG: sort of
Rappy: not really
HWG: well not now
HWG: but it was
HWG: wait, there it is again
ROO has entered the room.
HWG: but not then
Roo: we are chatting!?
HWG: Roo!
HWG: *skips merrily through the Clover*
HWG: hey
HWG: in all seriousness
HWG: I want to thank you both for your support
HWG: through these long, dark times
Roo: oh hush you self centered c@%t
Rappy: aw, *big group hug*
HWG: *hug*
Rappy: *squeeze*
Roo: hee. I got a hug even though I called you a self centered c@nt!
Rappy: *shocked face*
HWG: all my best friends call me that
Rappy: PRINCESS ROO! What kind of language is that?
Rappy: and you call yourself a church going girl
Rappy: *shocked*
Rappy: *and awed*
HWG: she used "fucking" as a modifier earlier
HWG: I was stunned into silence
Roo: hee.
Rappy: I believe the world has just shifted violently on its axis

Roo: it's funny that you guys think of me as the good girl
Roo: I mean, Julie called me after she brought Ian home because I "would understand"
HWG: hahahaha
HWG: yes, I did
HWG: you're my "slutty" friend
Rappy: wait, what?
HWG: I called Erika on The Morning After
HWG: I think she thought I was dying or something
HWG: to call her at 9:30 a.m. on a Sunday
Rappy: to say penance?
Rappy: do you say penance? *Jews*
HWG: but I must point out that her ass was in bed, not church
Rappy: or give?
Roo: well, you kind of "do" penance
Rappy: so calling you was just sort of gloating
Roo: yes, because I go to church on Sunday NIGHTS
Roo: so eat me
Roo: *wink*
Rappy: I think she was busy eating someone else
Rappy: EW.
Roo: *shocked face*
HWG: *shocked face*
Rappy: I can't believe I said that
HWG: DEAR GOD
Roo: I can't believe I said "eat me"
Rappy: HAHAHAHA
HWG: You two are disgusting
HWG: I am going to tell
HWG: er, someone
HWG: Tiffany!
HWG: I will tell Tiffany
Rappy: so, was she all gushy and stuff on the phone?
HWG: yes, how was I on the phone that morning?
HWG: you do realize that if I post a bit of this conversation, she won't be happy
Rappy: because she can't take part?
HWG: right, she'll give me angry yelling face
Roo: no...she said...
Roo: "I had to call you because I